relief, part deux

I am happy to report that I think Crystal was right, some good old-fashioned sex (finally!) did help with the anxiety. That along with a little nudge from modern pharmaceuticals and the guru Dr. Telch. I have been mostly anxiety free since last Friday and I think that's working on a record folks.

no bueno

I just found out that the city's zoning and platting commission approved a proposed development near my house. This sucks for several reasons: 1) the view will be destroyed and 2) there will be one bridge in and out of the neighborhood over a creek at the end of what is now a dead end street running behind my house. That means that traffic will go up drastically since they're planning to squeeze 58 houses onto fourteen marshy acres. One of the things I have always loved about my house is the fact that there's a dead-end street back there! It sucks for my downstream neighbors because of what they're planning to do with water drainoff from the fourteen acres. Rainwater is currently is allowed to soak into the ground and slowly drain into the creek. According to the developers they plan to build a culvert underneath the houses that will dump the water directly into the creek. Undoubtedly houses will flood. Here are a couple of articles about our cause: The Chronicle and News 8 Austin. I am very sad today.

the latest scoop

O.M.G., I just got some news that made my week: the T.A. has put in his two week notice, my faith in the world has been restored! I had to pick up his slack for the past two afternoons so I have been feeling especially hateful towards him.

In other news, my psychiatrist urged me to get back in touch with Dr. Telch since I am still struggling with anxiety and panic. I had been stubbornly resisting his suggestion until last weekend when I finally had enough. I emailed him to ask if he would tell me what I need to do to qualify for his research study. He wrote me back and said he would either get one of his graduate students to work with me or he would work with me himself. At this point I'll take all the help I can get!

I am still not sure how I feel about getting back together with The Musician. Part of me loves him dearly and is excited and hopeful at the prospect. Then another, more sinister, part of me is coming up with all kinds of reasons why it won't work out. I feel like I have found myself in a relationship replete with pressure to make it work and I'm not even sure I want to be in a relationship. The pressure is all internal, he is not pressuring me to do anything and has made it abundantly clear that it's up to me to set the pace. I think there is some fear of being hurt again.

I talked to my supervisor at work about the possibility of going back to school. I would have to take some time off during the work day to go to class because the program I'm interested in does not offer evening classes. She said that would be fine, I would just have to come in 45 minutes early on those two days. I am so excited about the idea of continuing my education in pursuit of an actual career that would get me out of this dead end job in which I'm starting to stagnate.

third time's a charm?

I decided to give it a go with The Musician. So far I feel really safe and happy with him and the weirdest part is it doesn't feel weird. He said it's like he stepped out for a pack of smokes and got lost somewhere but finally found his way back...six years later. Being together feels like coming home. I still feel very nervous and afraid of making a huge mistake. My inner perfectionist wants to sort out every possible outcome and scenario before making any decisions. Of course that means I'm not living in the present and I am engaging in a lot of future projection. That behavior doesn't work since it's impossible to predict the future!