six weird things

I got this from Ekki...According to the rules: each player of this game lists “six weird things about me.” People who get tagged need to write a blog of their own six weird things as well as state this rule clearly. In the end, you need to choose six people to be tagged and list their names. Don’t forget to leave a comment that says “you are tagged” in their comments and tell them to read your blog.

1. I am terribly grossed out by fingernail and toenail clippings, I can't even stand to hear the sounds of clippers in a public place. I don't mind nails if they are clean and attached to your body.

2. I think slightly crooked or otherwise imperfect teeth are sexy.

3. I have an unnatural fear of clowns, slightly open closet doors and Under The Bed.

4. Some of the most impressive things I have seen include: elephants trying to mate, killer whales trying to mate and a toad taking a shit.

5. I was sober on my 21st birthday. If you know me you know why this is weird.

6. I still have my last "in case of emergency" cigarette in my kitchen drawer, I quite smoking over two years ago.

I'm only tagging Nappy, I don't think anyone else I know would appreciate being tagged.

back to the drawing board

Ok, I am insane. I decided to repost an ad on a personals site, mixing it up a little and adding a funny picture. The day my ad went live an awesome guy sent me a message and we have been chatting online ever since. He seems really great and we have a lot in common...there is one thing I'm afraid could be a problem but I'm trying not to worry about it at this point since I haven't even met the guy yet. I don't even want to talk about it on here yet. Unfortunately the personals site tells you when the person was online last, for example: "within one day!" "within one hour!" "online now!" He and I have graduated to chatting via personal email so I know if he is on that site it is not to chat with me. My urge to cyberstalk is strong; who is he meeting on there for pete's sake? I am making up all kinds of stories in my head about the fabulous women he must be chatting with today since I haven't heard a peep from him since last night. Insane, I tell you!

As a side note, here is something I think no man should put in his personal ad: "I do have a fetish. I like to go up to women when I'm out and smell their hair...without getting caught. I sometimes get caught. If you catch me sniffing your hair, be gentle, I'm just smelling your hair, geez."
Btw, this was not written by the guy with whom I am chatting.

cat miracle

First of all, I am sorry I have not been posting very frequently. For one, I have not had much to report but more relevantly I have been quite depressed and just haven't felt like it. I recently got on a new medication and it seems to be helping, I think I am finally climbing out of the black pit of despair I had fallen into. Thankfully, I even have some good news to report!

As some of you know, my cat Rufus has developed various health issues (hyperthyroidism and heart disease) and in June he got very sick with a serious liver infection. He recovered beautifully and I crossed my fingers that I would not have another pet emergency for a good, long while. Unfortunately, his liver issue flared up about two weeks ago. He quit eating on his own and for a week the vet was syringe and tube feeding him. The techs said when they put food in front of him he would gag at the smell of it. On the fifth day of this my vet said it might be time to think about euthanasia given his other health problems. I was absolutely not ready to make that decision because I did not believe it was time yet. He was too active and alert for me to consider taking his life. I have had this cat for nearly twelve years, since he was a kitten, and he is the coolest cat. I call him my puppy-kitty because he thinks he's a dog, sometimes he will even sit for a cat treat! Anyway, my animal loving mom found a holistic vet and I took him there a week after he stopped eating. The vet agreed that he was in "crisis" and the most important thing was to get him to eat. I liked her a lot; she had a very calming presence and was very patient. So she administered acupuncture and prescribed Chinese herbs in an attempt to stimulate his appetite. I couldn't believe the way he reacted to the acupuncture; he actually relaxed and looked as if he enjoyed it! For the rest of the evening my mom and I offered him all sorts of different foods hoping something would be appetizing, he turned up his nose at various kinds of wet and dry cat food along with tuna, turkey, chicken, ham and beef. We kept putting a little bit of wet cat food in his mouth and he would eat it begrudgingly. However, around 9:30 that night he actually ate a little bit of food off the plate on his own. We thought it was a gigantic victory! I continued to feed him like that the next morning and by that afternoon I found him sitting at his bowl eating his regular dry food as if nothing was wrong. HOLY SHIT! I swear it's like a miracle. If any of you pet lovers out there are looking for an alternative to your current vet, email me and I will send you the information about my new favorite vet.

a short lived affair

Well after two months of dating The Musician I called it off on Monday night. I have to say, the decision was a very hard one because I was not mad at him and he was treating me very well. The problem was very simple, he just was not doing it for me. The magic wasn't there and I can tell you that if it is not there in the first couple of months, it's never going to be there. I'm very sad about it because I wanted so badly for it to work. It makes it even harder because he keeps telling me how much he loves me, how much he's always loved me and how he will always love me. Argh. I am afraid that I will never meet someone who love and accept me as much as he does and that is a sad prospect. However, I cannot stay with someone who is not the right guy for me. Wish me luck!

relief, part deux

I am happy to report that I think Crystal was right, some good old-fashioned sex (finally!) did help with the anxiety. That along with a little nudge from modern pharmaceuticals and the guru Dr. Telch. I have been mostly anxiety free since last Friday and I think that's working on a record folks.

no bueno

I just found out that the city's zoning and platting commission approved a proposed development near my house. This sucks for several reasons: 1) the view will be destroyed and 2) there will be one bridge in and out of the neighborhood over a creek at the end of what is now a dead end street running behind my house. That means that traffic will go up drastically since they're planning to squeeze 58 houses onto fourteen marshy acres. One of the things I have always loved about my house is the fact that there's a dead-end street back there! It sucks for my downstream neighbors because of what they're planning to do with water drainoff from the fourteen acres. Rainwater is currently is allowed to soak into the ground and slowly drain into the creek. According to the developers they plan to build a culvert underneath the houses that will dump the water directly into the creek. Undoubtedly houses will flood. Here are a couple of articles about our cause: The Chronicle and News 8 Austin. I am very sad today.

the latest scoop

O.M.G., I just got some news that made my week: the T.A. has put in his two week notice, my faith in the world has been restored! I had to pick up his slack for the past two afternoons so I have been feeling especially hateful towards him.

In other news, my psychiatrist urged me to get back in touch with Dr. Telch since I am still struggling with anxiety and panic. I had been stubbornly resisting his suggestion until last weekend when I finally had enough. I emailed him to ask if he would tell me what I need to do to qualify for his research study. He wrote me back and said he would either get one of his graduate students to work with me or he would work with me himself. At this point I'll take all the help I can get!

I am still not sure how I feel about getting back together with The Musician. Part of me loves him dearly and is excited and hopeful at the prospect. Then another, more sinister, part of me is coming up with all kinds of reasons why it won't work out. I feel like I have found myself in a relationship replete with pressure to make it work and I'm not even sure I want to be in a relationship. The pressure is all internal, he is not pressuring me to do anything and has made it abundantly clear that it's up to me to set the pace. I think there is some fear of being hurt again.

I talked to my supervisor at work about the possibility of going back to school. I would have to take some time off during the work day to go to class because the program I'm interested in does not offer evening classes. She said that would be fine, I would just have to come in 45 minutes early on those two days. I am so excited about the idea of continuing my education in pursuit of an actual career that would get me out of this dead end job in which I'm starting to stagnate.

third time's a charm?

I decided to give it a go with The Musician. So far I feel really safe and happy with him and the weirdest part is it doesn't feel weird. He said it's like he stepped out for a pack of smokes and got lost somewhere but finally found his way back...six years later. Being together feels like coming home. I still feel very nervous and afraid of making a huge mistake. My inner perfectionist wants to sort out every possible outcome and scenario before making any decisions. Of course that means I'm not living in the present and I am engaging in a lot of future projection. That behavior doesn't work since it's impossible to predict the future!

feelings

So The Musician revealed to me that he has "feelings" for me and that they never really went away. I think he's trying to get back together with me! I have to admit, I'm not entirely opposed to the idea. There is something very attractive about the idea of being with someone who has already seen me at my worst, and my best for that matter. He knew all about me and loved me anyway. It seems to me that he actually likes me because of who I am and not in spite of. Last night I was able to ask him about his long range career goals and he impressed me with his plans. I still feel really confused about this whole situation, I wish these things were easier for me. It's very important for me to remember that just like everything else, it's really only one day at a time. My sister had the good sense to point out that sometimes you have to be careful what you wish for, in this case The Musician is not even close to being milquetoast.

step nine

Early Tuesday morning I got a voicemail from my ex-boyfriend The Musician. When I say "ex" I mean we broke up about six years ago. When I say broke up I mean he dumped me at the end of a birthday party I had thrown him during which he introduced me to the girl that he was presumably dumping me for. He never admitted that's why he was dumping me but come on, this ain't my first rodeo. The whole thing was highly unceremonious and insulting. To be fair, I had dumped him the previous summer in an equally unceremonious and insulting fashion, perhaps he was just getting even. We got back together nine months later for a short two months which fortunately resulted in Nappy meeting her future husband the Rock Star. I have always figured that was a fair sacrifice since he's so great and she's so happy with him, I am lucky to have him for a brother-in-law. But I digress. The Musician's message to me had all the elements of a ninth step amends which made me jump for gleeful joy at the prospect that he might have turned over a new leaf. The boy was a wreck back then; I can only imagine how much worse it could have gotten. He left a cell phone number but said it wouldn't be turned on for a couple of days. As you can imagine I have been obsessively calling the number only to get the generic cell phone lady's voice telling me the cellular customer I was trying to reach is currently unavailable. For Pete's sake man, you can't drop a bomb on my voicemail like that and not leave a way for me to reach you! Well today I finally got wise and sent him a text message; I figured he would get it as soon as his cell phone was finally working. Lo and behold he called me back, I about fell out of my desk chair. We talked for about ten minutes in which I gleaned that he is probably sober (he used the word "amends") and he's single, employed and living with his brother and two nieces. He also told me he's suffering from Gulf War syndrome for which the V.A. is treating him. It is heartbreaking to think of the suffering he has endured as a result of being in the military, a choice he made to escape an abusive stepdad and ostensibly to pay for college. I am going to call him back tonight when we can talk longer and we’re going to make a plan to meet in person. I cannot explain to you the feelings I am now having about having this man pop back into my life out of the clear blue sky and apologize for the way he treated me. That is something I had given up on a long time ago. I have to say, I’m pretty excited about it!

milquetoast

Well I had been working on a crush that I neglected to mention here. He is a co-worker of mine who sits in the cube right next to mine, we'll call him The Cruncher. I use the term "cube" loosely because I really only have one full wall; one side is only half a wall and the other two sides are completely open. The crush on The Cruncher started a couple of months ago, probably because he and I spend so many hours talking to each other. Our job consists of waiting for the phone to ring, in the meantime there is not much else to do but chit-chat. The Cruncher and I have a lot in common: we're both native Austinites, extremely liberal, ready to start families, have good relationships with our parents and siblings and have the same taste in movies. On paper he's a good catch: he owns his own home, drives a nice new car, has a master's degree and earns a decent living. Plus he is kind, sensitive, caring and not bad looking. Of course I am not one bit sexually attracted to him, but I figured that could change and grow. There is one other weird element: he is forty and has a 23-year-old "girlfriend" who lives in California, they have been "together" for over two years. We have gone out to lunch a couple of times and then last week I invited him over to watch a movie at my house. We decided to follow my regular movie night m.o. and order a pizza. When he got there I started making salads and asked him to order the pizza. He got very nervous and said he needed a pen so he could rehearse the phone call. Dude, just order the damn pizza! I asked him if he wanted me to order it and he conceded. Then he started asking me if his car was ok parked by my curb or if he should move it into my driveway. I live in a mini-cul-de-sac so no traffic goes by my house. I told him I thought it would be fine but he opted to move his car anyway. I felt insulted that he seemed afraid of my neighborhood. I have lived there for ten years and no one has ever touched my car or the cars of my guests. There were a few other things that happened during the course of the evening that really got on my nerves and showed me that girlfriend or no girlfriend, The Cruncher is not the man for me. It was actually a breakthrough because I realized that I do have enough self-esteem to wait for the Right Guy rather than settle for the Convenient Guy. And that includes a guy I'm sexually attracted to!

updates

The panic is starting to creep back in, I've had two good bouts of it since my last acupuncture treatment. Rats. I just refilled my Chinese herb prescription, hopefully that will help. I'm starting to wonder if it's related to aspartame, I have read that it can contribute to panic and anxiety. I was already trying to avoid it because it supposedly also contributes to depression, but I indulged myself a couple of times and those were the two days that I had near misses with a panic attack.
My roommate suddenly decided to move out in September. I am mostly ok with it but I will miss the extra income, I was counting on the money to help pay for an enormous vet bill I racked up last month along with pet insurance premiums to help prevent another such bill. Fear of financial insecurity definitely contributes to my anxiety level!
updates update: my roommate is staying after all, yea!

their emails

In case you're interested, I thought I would post Dr. Telch's and his assistant's emails to me.

Hers:

"I am so very sorry. I am new to scheduling patients for Dr. Telch, and I assumed that you knew that you were being scheduled to see him as a private patient. Most of his patients are very pleased when they find out that he treats them in his home rather than his office at the University of Texas. They have found it to be a very private and relaxing environment. Dr. Telch is sending you some information, but if I can do anything at all to help you please let me know. Once again, I am so sorry. I take full responsibility for the misunderstanding. Please feel free to call me if you have any questions."

His:

"I apologize for the misunderstanding and feel bad that I made you feel so uncomfortable. I think you sensed my frustration at Christine for not clarifying this with you. Christine - my assistant is new and she led me to believe that you understood you were seeing me for a private consultation. I have spent time reviewing your evaluation and you obviously can definitely use some expert help. I am attaching an educational handout that we give our study participants. You may find this helpful as a starter. I can check with my staff to see if there is room for you in the next UT treatment group. The advantage of that is that it is free, the disadvantage is that it is a group treatment and therefore does not allow the specific individual tailoring. The therapists are advanced students who have been trained by me to perform the panic treatment. In order to participate in that, you would still need to come in to my office at the University and complete a face-to-face interview. Based on your test scores online, my guess is that you'll pass the interview and be eligible to take part in the study. Keep in mind that we have a very powerful non-medication treatment for panic. There are some other less expensive private alternatives as well if you do not want to jump through the hoops of a university-based program, I can probably get one of my doctoral students to give you the treatment one-on-one at UT at a significantly reduced fee. Sorry again for the misunderstanding! Don't hesitate to call me if you have any questions."

average conceited jerk

Yesterday I had that appointment with the UT professor, Dr. Michael Telch. I even showed up five minutes early which is quite a feat for me. When I got to the address they gave me I walked in the front door and realized I was standing in someone's house, it totally freaked me out. So I called the number they gave me and Dr. Telch told me the entrance to his office was on the ground level by the garage, I'm not sure how I was supposed to deduce that. I walked into his office and was immediately faced with a picture window that looks out onto his boat dock where his wife was hanging out with their dogs. The whole situation made me very uncomfortable. Dr. Telch offered me a clipboard with some paperwork to fill out, but not before pointing out, with seeming annoyance, that I was early. As I looked over the paperwork I realized it was for new patients of his and had nothing to do with the UT laboratory study. I stopped and said, "Before I fill this out, I was under the impression I was here for the research study." To that he replied quite haughtily, "Why would you think that? You scheduled a private session with me." I told him I went though the lab website and filled out all the questionnaires for the lab study. He made it sound like it should have been crystal clear that I was approaching him for a private session. To that I replied, "Well it must be confusing because I am an intelligent person and it was not clear to me." He said, "Are you having panic attacks?" I said I was and he replied, "Well I am one of the World's Gurus on Panic Attacks. And it's a five to nine month wait for the research study, if you even qualify." I got up to leave and he told me to wait so he could give me some information. I handed him his clipboard and said "I don't like the way you're talking to me so I am going to leave now," and walked out of his office slamming the door behind me. I went straight home and sent this email to his "assistant" (who I think is his wife; they have the same last name):

"I have a couple of suggestions to help prevent future misunderstandings such as the one that occurred today between me, you and Dr. Telch. Here is the process I followed: I logged into the "University of Texas at Austin LSAD Online Testing and Interview System" and completed several questionnaires. Then, as requested, I sent an email to LSAD@telchlab.com. Since all of this fell under the heading of "University of Texas at Austin LSAD Online Testing and Interview System" and the email goes to a lab address and the introduction states: "Dr. Telch or one of his staff will contact you as soon as possible" and mentions nothing about Dr. Telch's private practice; I am not sure how it was misunderstood that I wanted a private session with him. Also, nothing in your emails indicated that is what I was scheduling; I assumed it was some sort of screening process for the lab. As far as Dr. Telch's attitude, you may want to suggest to him that he use a more compassionate and less condescending tone with someone he knows to be suffering from anxiety and panic attacks. Furthermore, I think he should be embarrassed to tout himself as "one of the world's gurus on panic attacks" when he acts like an average conceited jerk. You may want to revisit your process."

About an hour later I got a call from Dr. Telch apologizing for the "misunderstanding." He said he would be willing to offer me a couple of follow up sessions free of charge to compensate for what happened. He made it clear they would be "at UT, not at my home" as if I had invaded his home against his will. He also sent me an apologetic email as did his "assistant." Neither of them addressed the cause of the "misunderstanding" and I now have no desire to work with him on any level.
My mom, my marketing professional friend C. and my roommate J. all think that he's pulling some sort of scam to get vulnerable people into his office for expensive private sessions. C. said it sounded like the old bait-and-switch and that I should report him to UT. I'm not sure if I should go there or not...

acupuncture works

I went to an acupuncture school last Wednesday to get a treatment specifically for my anxiety & panic. Some of you may remember why I will not go back to see my regular acupuncturist. Anyway, the intern who worked on me said I had a dry heat, "like a brush fire blowing in the wind." It was interesting and the treatment went very well. They gave me some horrible tasting herbs that I have been drinking religiously twice a day and guess what, NO PANIC ATTACKS!!! I already knew acupuncture works because it cured my strep throat once, but now I am even more convinced. Tomorrow I am meeting with a UT professor who runs an laboratory for the study of anxiety disorders. They give free cognitive behavioral therapy to anxiety & panic sufferers, I'm really excited to find out more...

more on panic

I have been suffering from anxiety and panic since I was 13. Luckily, over the years I have had long stretches of time where I am virtually symptom free. However for the past three weeks or so I have been having panic attacks that include all of the symptoms I listed in the previous post, and it is absolutely horrible. My shrink has prescribed medication for it but it is not 100% effective. I have cut back on caffeine and am trying to walk every day. In addition, I am looking into alternative methods for combatting this nightmare such as biofeedback and acupuncture. If anyone has any experience recovering from anxiety and panic, especially regarding alternatives to medication, I am all ears.

welcome to my world

A Panic Attack is defined as the abrupt onset of an episode of intense fear or discomfort, which peaks in approximately 10 minutes, and includes at least four of the following symptoms:

a feeling of imminent danger or doom; the need to escape; palpitations; sweating; trembling; shortness of breath or a smothering feeling; a feeling of choking; chest pain or discomfort;

nausea or abdominal discomfort; dizziness or lightheadedness; a sense of things being unreal, depersonalization; a fear of losing control or "going crazy"; tingling sensations; chills or hot flushes.

ADAA

future serial killer

Yesterday I overheard a lovely conversation between two of my co-workers yesterday, one of which is a dumbass married guy (MG) who keeps emailing me. The other guy was telling MG that a neighborhood cat had been crapping in his lawn to which MG responded, "Just put out a bowl of antifreeze, no more cat problem!" So I emailed MG and said he should watch what he says at work, that I had a cat die of antifreeze poisoining and that it is a terrible way to watch a pet die. He wrote me back and "apologized" but said something snarky about how I hadn't responded to an earlier email from him. I wrote him back and said I don't care to be friends with someone who thinks poisoning animals is funny. To which he replied, "I never said it was funny." People like him scare me very much.

gross

I hate it when people clip their fingernails at work. Every time I hear the distinctive snip-snip-snip sound my skin crawls as I imagine the simple squamous cells being tossed carelessly around the office. What if one of those germ-infested half-moons lands in someone's coffee?! Once when I worked at Starbucks a customer started clipping his fingernails right by the espresso machine. I just knew we were going to get a latte returned with a little sliver of scariness floating in the foam. I think personal grooming and hygiene should be kept where it belongs, in the privacy of our own bathrooms.

I hate pants

I took the day off yesterday to go shopping for pants. I need pants for work, bad. It's so bad I literally have four pairs of work pants if you don't include the one pair of lame black slacks I bought at Goodwill out of desperation. They are too short and make me want to cry when I have to wear them on Dirty Laundry Day. They seriously qualify as highwaters. Apparently I am currently an in-between-odd-size because everything I tried on was either two tight on the ass or gaping at the waist. It seems I am also a weird height because all the pants were either past my feet or skimming my ankles. After hours of shopping I went home empty handed, what a bust! I long for a day when I can work from home in my pajama pants, they always fit like a dream.

so dreamy

I checked my personals profile last night and discovered I got a "wink" from this man. Winks are free, he didn't even want to use his credits to contact me. Ain't life grand?!

me likee

According to my sources, I may or may not be developing some like for a Mormon. Yikes. Just say we were to get married, I wonder if I would have to share him with other wives? It's a joke people, I know they stopped practicing polygamy in 1890. Here's a post from another one of my favorite blogs regarding polygamy. I really like her point, "the only reason the church stopped sanctioning polygamy was because the government told them they had to. So… God was wrong? God answers to the American government?" I think I'll use some of her arguments if he tries to get me to convert. Because being in like with someone is obviously one tiny step away from getting married in a Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints temple.

captain joe

Earlier in the month I posted about placing an online personal ad. Not surprisingly, it has not been very successful. This evening I got a message from a guy whose profile headline states, "Firstmate Needed to Have FUN !!!!!!"
Under the heading "Why You Should Get to Know Me" he proclaims:

“Hello out their...... single, active Captain looking for Fristmate. I love the lake with sunsets...Water is great....Dining on my vessel with freinds & mate." [oh look, he’s a poet!]

Then under the heading "More About What I Am Looking For" he expounds:

"Looking for Firstmate to enjoy the lake life, Will train to assist in boating ....looking for a girl that enjoys dancing, boating, hanging out on Housboat ...enjoying the weekend Music & Sunsets. Adventure is their, Fun is their, Moonlite cruises are their, Just need you their..........See Ya......."

This is a forty-year-old man who purportedly has a four-year college degree and that is the best he can come up with? Word to the wise: if you're going to use the same pronoun four times in quick succession, be sure you're using the correct one.
In his super charming note to me he wrote,

“Hi How is your day been, do you like sunsets on Lake Travis...The weather is getting nice & the water is great... Tell me a litle more about you?
See Ya Captain Joe”

Aye, aye, Cap’n, my heart is aflutter.

Freakin’ Lovely.

calling all democrats

One of my co-workers brought this site to my attention, tee hee hee! "Democrat Singles lets liberal and democrat singles find their politically correct match. Whether you are a member of U.S. Democratic Party or just a supporter, this site will help you meet women and men who think like you do. Join the best dating site for meeting single Dems! Who knows... you may just meet the love of a lifetime!"

relief

As Crystal so tenderly pointed out to me, perhaps I just need to get laid? Now statistically speaking I would have to agree; as I have mentioned these are dry times my friends. However I must argue my case, because that's what I do. First and foremost, there is the obvious issue of a missing partner with whom I would do said dirty deed. My standards have apparently become impossibly high and great candidates aren't exactly lining up at my door. Secondly, because unfortunately I am not wired to have casual sex I can't just jump into bed with some guy purely for the sake of relief. Damn it! Sure sounds like fun though...you gals who can do it hit one for me please. Third, getting into a sexual relationship presents its own set of anxieties for me (of course). Most importantly there is the risk of getting pregnant. I am in no position to bring a baby into the world right now, as much as I might want to later.
Back to the drawing board.
Sidebar: I’m curious to know how many of you regularly have sex just to relieve your anxiety. Give it to me straight.

it's back...

...the anxiety, that is. I didn't really know how bad it had gotten until I went back and read a post of mine from last August when the shit really hit the fan and realized it's that bad. So I put in a call to my Doctor, looks like it's back to the drawing table again. Damn it! I'm so sick of that GD drawing table, I would be happy if I never had to see it again. Last night I was watching Chocolat which is a perfectly sweet and lovely movie, and for some reason I started bawling right in the middle. WTF? Anxiety is different from depression and a lot less scary, it's just frustrating, overwhelming and exhausting. Imagine that your brain is stuck in a constant loop of worry that impedes your ability to focus on simple and enjoyable tasks like cooking a meal, watching a movie or having a phone conversation with a friend. That's what my anxiety feels like and I am completely over it.

laaaaambykins

This is some funny shit

scary and sad

As I have mentioned before my sister and I are training for the HCRA which means we have been riding long distances on some pretty scary roads. When I say long distances I mean long for me, I think the longest was 43 miles. When I say scary I mean two lane country roads, sometimes with no shoulders and high speed traffic. Here is a map of the ride we did last Saturday. So then today I read this horrible story which scares the holy bejebus out of me.
I am sure all of you are very courteous drivers but here is my PSA for the month: please remember to be careful when you see a cyclist on the road, they have the same rules and rights to the road and are much more vulnerable. Thank you!

interesting choice

So I went to dinner with The Writer on Friday night and when he picked me up he told me again that he had missed me. I can't help but wonder why he didn't just call or email me if he missed me so dang much? Anyway, we had a nice dinner with our usually easy, breezy conversation. However, at one point I asked him "what else is new" and he replied he didn't know how much I wanted to hear about his personal life. I must have given him a "bring it on" facial expression because he went ahead and launched into a tale about a woman he had been seeing for the past week. I was a little surprised by his choice of conversation topics but I just sort of went with it because it was a funny story either way. Part of me is glad he is so comfortable with me but part of me thinks that it's inappropriate disclosure to talk about other women with someone you're reportedly (at least a little bit) romantically interested in. Am I taking crazy pills? One of my friends thinks he's trying to make me jealous, as if my jealousy will spur me into action of some sort. Unfortunately he is sadly mistaken because I respond in the exactly opposite way; if I think there are sharks circling I swim in the other direction. I don't want any part of that biznazz.

I hate american idol

The people I work with apparently have a burning need to recap daily the American Idol episode from the previous evening. They talk about the contestants as if they are on a first name basis with them and get very emotional about the outcomes. I am so happy I can honestly say I have only watched a couple of the preliminary episodes and was lucky enough to catch the one where William Hung made his now-famous debut. It was truly unforgettable, but not great enough to make me want to watch that stupid show.

so predictable

It has now been two weeks since my smoochfest with The Plumber, a.k.a. Mr. Supreme Flakiness, and I've only heard from him twice (not that I'm counting). There was no mention of any further contact. As I suspected, He's Just Not That Into Me. Thankfully I'm okay with that, I realize that it is his loss and I'm better off not wasting time with a really flaky guy. Right on cue, The Writer, a.k.a. The Man Who Sent Me Into a Seventh Grade Tailspin, called me on Tuesday, two weeks to the day since I last emailed him (not that I'm counting). Very curious! His message to me: "I miss you and I would like to see you! I assume for the past couple of weeks you've been rocketing around the hill country on your bike...if you feel like calling me you should." Uhhhh, so if I haven't contacted you I must have a really good reason? Something that has kept me so busy that it has held me back from my nearly irrepressible and urgent desires to chase you down? It couldn't possibly mean I just didn't feel like giving you the time of day because you hit my last nerve with a comment you made during our Little Chat. God Forbid! Of course I'm having dinner with him tomorrow night, would you expect anything less?

more on dating

So I was reading a post from one of my favorite blogs and it got me thinking, what am I doing with boys? I guess the question is moot because I'm not really doing a goddamn thing with any boys whatsoever. However, I sure do spend a lot of mental energy thinking about them...so much so that I believe it qualifies as obsessing. I heard a woman say last night that she mentally "engages" without actually engaging with another person. She meant that she engages in the obsessive thinking about someone else and lets them take up space rent free in her brain. That's what I'm doing with boys. I think I am addicted to obsessing, I can find anything to wrap my brain around and not let go. I can understand one reason why people in my club go out, it's really hard to date when you get sober and you don't want to date within the club. I try to think of those boys as "close blood kin" which makes it quite unpalatable to consider them dating partners. So where does a sober girl go to meet boys? I can’t go to the dog park because my dogs are the “problem children" on the playground and the other parents end up scowling at me with disdain. It just turns into a shame spiral and does nothing productive for any of us.
See, I used to have no problems in the dating department. Well, that’s not entirely true, I had plenty of problems with the boys I did date but I didn’t really have a problem getting a date. I have even had a few longish relationships, and by “longish” I mean one to two years. At this juncture I have only had two shortish relationships, if you can even call them that, in the past four years. And by “shortish” I mean four to six months. That is some serious dry time my friends.
I realize I probably sound like I’m desperately hunting for a husband but really, I’m not. I would just like to go on some fun dates, have some tawdry make out sessions, hold a boy’s hand and smell his neck. I don’t think that’s too much to ask!

gastrointestinal distress

It all started with the bake sale "nachos" I succumbed to at about 10:00 this morning. Here at the State "nachos" means tortilla chips smothered in a boring yet surprisingly salty queso cheese presented as an appropriate mid-morning bake sale item. Grodine.
The heartburn was furthered along considerably by something that started as a message I received in one of my six email accounts. That's right I said six. I know people, I have a problem. Flashback to yesterday: following some advice I recently received, I decided to post a personal ad in one of our local online rags. I productively used my work time and generous internet access to carefully craft a cutesy ad. Cut to today: the message winking at me from my inbox was letting me know someone had responded to my ad. Yippee! So soon! My picture must be cuter than I think! My responses to the canned questions must have been Oh So Witty! I can't wait to see this guy!
*sigh* I should have known. Three major Deal Breakers:
1) The dude is 49 (I put a generous 45 as the oldest man I'm looking for. 49 is closer to my dad's age than mine)
2) He is Conservative (I am Liberal)
3) He is Christian (I am Spiritual, not Religious)
Now on Deal Breaker #3 I am willing to bend the rules a little, except when coupled with Deal Breaker #2. When I hear the words "Conservative Christian" paired together I can't help but hear "Pro Life" echoing in the not too distant background. He also said he likes to hang out at Carlos and Charlie's and sunbathes in the nude. One of his answers to a canned question? "I wouldn't sell my body for a billion dollars."
Two words: ew and ew.

fatty deluxe

This was posted on my agency's internal website:

"Janet Doe, with the Information Technology Division, tells @cpa, "Jane Doe's house caught fire March 28, 2006, after being struck by lightning. We will have a bake sale on April 5 from 7:30 - 2:30 in Conference Room 205 to assist her and her family in this time of need." Sausage Wraps, Breakfast Tacos, Waffles, Doughnuts, Nachos, Tamales, Chili, Banana Pudding, Cookies, Cakes, Fruit, Coffee, Soda"

Nice thought, but c'mon, sausage, doughnuts, chili, tamales AND banana pudding? Somewhere in Austin a state worker's heart has an massive coronary just thinking about all that saturated fat.

I wonder what Normal feels like?

I even wonder if there is such a thing as Normal? I do know that I have never felt what I perceive Normal to feel like. I see people who are married, have successful careers, kids, beautiful homes and plenty of money and wonder, how do they do it? I struggle on a daily basis, teetering on this tightrope of feelings and worries and obsessions, how would there be space in my brain for Normal stuff like hobbies or a relationship or children? I feel like my world is shrinking and things I used to enjoy and accomplish with ease are becoming less appealing and more difficult to manage. It's no wonder dating is so difficult for me, what sane man would want to spend any substantial amount of time with a nut like me? That's rhetorical by the way...
I feel happiest when I'm safe at home in my bubble with my dogs but even that gets lonely sometimes.

dating, part deux

Last August I posted about my dating capers. Well last night I ran into one of the guys that I went on a few "outings" with during that time. He smells fantastic, is super cute and a great kisser (incidentally, he's also the last guy I kissed.) He is an all around great guy, his one major flaw: supreme flakiness. Last year I kept hearing a voice in my head that said, "he's just not that into you..."
Well last night he not only fixed my leaky toilet but he played a fun round of Truth or Dare Jenga with me that naturally led to some smooching and voila, the dry spell is over! The best part is, it magically dispelled the obsession that I have been cursed with this week. He already called me today to thank me for the great time last night. Thank you sweet baby jesus for sending a cutie my way.

my brain takes the wheel and guns it into overdrive

Since That Man and I have had The Chat during which I put some feelings on the table and made myself all vulnerable and shit, I cannot stop thinking about it! In keeping with the 7th grade storyline, this is the point where every morning I carefully plan what I am going to wear in hopes that he notices and passes me a note in study hall. Then at school I go out of my way to pass his locker several times a day so he can see me in my cute and coordinating Esprit outfit. All day long I'm passing notes back and forth with my girlfriends hoping to get the scoop on who he's talking to, where he's going on Friday night, what are his likes and dislikes, has he noticed me yet??? I am powerless over my crushes and my brain has become unbearable. I wish there was an easy cure for intrusive and obsessive thoughts. I need a brain exorcism.

growing pains, a.k.a. learning how to date casually

I have a love/hate relationship with dating. I hate the process of finding someone to date. I love the excitement and butterflies that always accompany a date with someone new. Most of all I hate the part where I have to start navigating negotiations with prospective partner. I have somewhat entered that stage with a particular man in my life. Ew, have I mentioned that I hate it? Last night we had an hour long phone conversation that went something like this:
me: where are you coming from with this, I'm just curious
him: I want to date you, but not exclusively
me: just so you know I don't sleep around, I'm monogamous
him: and that's a good way to be
me: thanks for humoring me
him: baby, I'm not humoring you
me: well thanks for doing this over the phone then
him: sweet dreams
A little background: I never learned how to date casually. All my relationships (save about three) started in a drunken stupor. I usually ended up with a boyfriend after spending two weeks drinking the garcon du jour under the table. I'm seriously stunted in this area and walk around feeling like a 12-year-old which is pretty scary when negotiating sexual relations with a 43-year-old man. I get all freaked out about nothing, like I'm at the 7th grade dance and he won't dance to Careless Whisper with me so I run off to the bathroom to bawl my eyes out.
Yup, that's how I feel. Doesn't it sound like fun?

hello PMS my old friend

For the past week I have been suffering through a horrible bout of PMS. Like my friend Ekki, I HATE IT. As you may have read in my previous posts, I also struggle with Funtime Mental Issues and it is excruciatingly difficult to determine what's really going on when I feel like committing hara-kari or homicide. It was so bad I even called my shrink, who of course did not have any magic answers for me. For any of you women out there who do not suffer with this affliction, you suck. But just because I'm seriously jealous. By my calculations this is the 247th month I have felt this way so you would think I might have gotten used to it. On the contrary, it blindsides me every month and I wonder just What the Hell is wrong with me now?! It makes me really angry that I go through this every month and I may never have a child to make it worth all the trouble.

Nature can be so cruel!

oh hell no

Extra! Extra! This just in: words I never thought I would see in print ever again:
"HOW TO WEAR PEG-LEG STYLES" and "HOW TO WEAR PLEATED PANTS". Are you fucking kidding me? Thanks to TWK for bringing this horrible fashion development to our attention... click here to read more. I don't care what the fuck Gwyneth Paltrow, Kate Moss, and Sienna Miller are wearing, there's no way my ass is making any appearances in anything peg-legged and/or pleated. THAT IS INSANITY PEOPLE.

On a completely different note, my best friend the T.A. is celebrating St. Patty's Day by mentioning beer as often as possible today. It's only noon and I have lost count. Update: T.A. just left work early. On his way out the door he said to me, "don't be a hater girlfriend, I'm going to be two sheets to the wind by the time you get off work." It is 1:30 pm, I get off work at 4:30 pm.

I, on the other hand, will be celebrating by eating Jell-O Sugar Free Fat Free chocolate pudding:

("Sixty four percent of moms say JELL-O Pudding

is a favorite snack for kids!")

with fat free Cool Whip whipped topping:

along with Baked! Tostitos "tortilla chips" and salsa:

Aren't you jealous?

add it to the ever-growing list

So I am officially addicted to craigslist missed connections. I pore over the posts every day and I get very excited each time a new one shows up. It's some weird voyeuristic fetish I have, reading about all those people out there trying to make a connection. I am embarrassed to admit, I have even posted a few of my own. Even more embarrassing to admit, I have had two dates as a result of my postings!
The first one was a waiter in a restaurant where my family had dinner one night. He was a real cutie and we had a great coffee date. He acted all into me, asked me if could see me again, said he would call me and then never did. *sigh* Now his band keeps playing with another friend of mine's band and I don't want to go see them play because I don't want him to think I'm there to see him. Poo.
The second one responded to something I had posted for someone else. I figured what the hell and wrote him back. We corresponded for awhile via email and he seemed nice enough so I finally agreed to have dinner with him. The guy turned out to be King of the Tools. Within the first fifteen minutes of dinner he was telling me about the problematic sex life he had with his ex-wife. He went so far as to tell me, "I like to do it all, you know what I'm saying?" Ew. And that's just a sampler, there was so much more but it would be way too much to put here.
One might think I would learn my lesson but of course not, I continue to post because for me it is a fun, if not tragic, diversion from my mundane life.

morning pillow talk

Heard this morning:

T.A.: How you doin' girl?
Me: fine
T.A.: Smile, it's Friday, the only day you can legally walk into a liquor store and nobody looks at you funny.
Me: [silently ignoring]
T.A.: I have a serious problem.
Me: yes, I am aware of that

It looks like I have some prayin' to do. However, I can't decide which prayer, "Dear SuperPower, please get this (obviously) sick man some help." -OR- "Dear SuperPower, please get this (obviously) annoying man a job in a different area, somewhere far, far from here."
Or as Ekki said, I could just kick him in the family jewels, which frankly sounds like a lot more fun.

the time has come

I can no longer refrain from talking about a certain Tragic Alcoholic (or T.A. for short) co-worker. This morning when were here alone together he said he had a joke for me, this is how it went:

T.A.: "Have I told you that you remind me of the grades I made in school?"
Me: "uh, no."
T.A.: "All 'D's!"

I ran this by my other co-workers and they all agreed there is only one thing referred to as a "D" and I think we all know what that is. Now I'm not one to call "sexual harassment" on the first guy who makes an infantile comment about my rack but COME ON PEOPLE. Besides this guy is a complete lame ass who talks incessantly about his lame ass drinking. I have officially lost my patience. Now just what is a modern feminist gal supposed to do?

interesting

Over the past year I have been experiencing an interesting shift in my taste in men. I previously had a tendency to inadvertently pick out the most wounded trainwreck of a man in the room. Think Robert Downey, Jr., Colin Farrell, Christian Slater, etc. A mentor of mine calls it the "Broken Bird Fetish" and I guess I have to (begrudgingly) agree. A friend of mine who is more healthy than I am in the men department has to alert me to the Broken Bird nature of the men I am attracted to. She can smell it from a mile away while I'm naively gazing at them with teenage girl googly eyes.
However, I've begun to wise up and I'm starting to catch a whiff of the B.B. a little sooner than I used to, which was usually about two months into dating a guy. What's more, I am starting to gravitate toward older, blue collar, biker dudes...think Kris Kristofferson...WTF?!? I think it has something to do with being minutely willing to entertain the idea of letting someone take care of me just a tiny little bit for a change.
Double K looks like he would be pretty darn handy around the house and I bet he likes dogs.

Quandaries

In August I posted this: "I met a man, in a most coincidental way, whom I feel is my mindmeldsoulbrother but for reasons completely beyond my control he is absolutely unavailable to me." That man is still a part of my life (my sick choice) and when we make contact via email I inevitably end up feeling completely nauseated. Today was one of those days, partly because his absolute unavailability was right up in my face yet again. It's just one more addiction in the long list that I am afflicted with. I've learned it takes a phenomenal amount of personal pain for me to stop doing things that are unhealthy for me. I hear it's the Nature of the Disease Beast.

On a completely different note, I had dinner with a lovely man last night. We are not dating but we really enjoy each other's company. After dinner he came over and walked my dogs with me; it doesn't get much sweeter than that in my humble opinion. In person there is zero chemistry but I feel we are a perfect match on paper. One of my closest friends disagrees, she thinks that if he were my boyfriend he would drive me completely b-a-n-a-n-a-s in three weeks flat. When I asked her why she mumbled something about me needing a boyfriend with a steady job. Fair enough. However, I'm completely terrified that I'm just one of "those girls" that nice guys always complain about. You know the kind of girl that only dates jerks? About half of me believes that chemistry can grow over time once trust and compatibility are established and the other half believes that if it's not there it ain't ever gonna be there. And then a tiny part of me doesn't give a shit, she just wants a super hot boy toy. I have to tell her to be quiet...a lot.

what's YOUR perfect major?

courtesy of my sister "Nappy"
I scored as Sociology. I should have been a Sociology major! (but I did get my degree in anthropology!)

Sociology		100%
Anthropology		92%
Psychology		83%
Theater		75%
Philosophy		75%
Biology		58%
Linguistics		58%
Mathematics		58%
Journalism		50%
Engineering		50%
English		42%
Dance		42%
Art		33%
Chemistry		17%

What is your Perfect Major?
created with QuizFarm.com

my first guest star invitation...continued

Update: I should have mentioned that there had been some prior inappropriate email conversations between the two of us. However, I had made it very clear, multiple times, that I did not want to engage in this sort of behavior with him. He continues to cross my boundaries, yuck!

My response:

"I have to say I'm flattered that you would ask me to join in that kind of fun with you and I actually considered it for a second (only for the acupuncture though!) However, I don't think I would ever feel comfortable getting treatments from you if we were to do what you've suggested and I value you too much as an acupuncturist! I'm glad you two found each other, sounds like a great match."

His response:

"well, thanks for considering.......the offer is still open.........just think of how many acupuncture sessions you could get for only 10.00??"

He just won't quit! And I agree, I cannot believe he would commit any of this to writing! I think I'll be looking for a new female acupuncturist!!!

my first guest star invitation (oh my gawd y'all)

So I called my acupuncturist to get a recommendation on some fish oil supplements. Rather than call me, he sent me an email this morning. After he named a couple of products and added in the usual chit-chat he and I engage in (we have a friendly relationship) he launched into this interesting proposal, I just had to share. To clarify, "xxx" is the ex-wife of my acupuncturist's (former?) best friend and supervisor...whaaaaat?!?!?!

"you might find this funny, but [xxx] and I are boyfriend and girlfriend...funny, huh?? [xxx] is quite nasty, which is very fun....she loves to watch porn, and she loves toys. and yes she has a strap on, but no its not for me!! she really wants for us to get some nasty pictures of us having fun too. would you be interested in taking them?? if so, i'll give you free acupuncture for the rest of your life, or at least 10.00 treatments to cover the needles!! i'm serious. i think it would be hot if you were dressed up like a porn star and we watched a good porno and then you could take pics of [xxx] and i going for it.......and if it turned you on i'm sure you could join in....all up to you.....but i feel real comfortable with you and think it would be fun..........so, think about how much money you would save on acupuncture and how much fun it would be and email me soon.........and get some fish oil soon!!! it can make a big difference in mood as well"

I have to say, I am flattered that he invited to join in the "fun" but I don't think I could possibly get acupuncture treatments from him after witnessing him "going for it" with his new girlfriend. Eeeewwwww!!!

Oh My Stars...brand new sugar daddy post!

Extra, Extra, This Just In:

Hi, I'm xxx ... responding to your posting on Craig's List.

A little about me ... I'm looking for an intelligent woman who will give me pleasant thoughts to start the day ... and occasionally makes one glad that he is wearing pleated slacks.

Hopefully, you enjoy conversation about almost anything, have a ready smile, enjoy a good chuckle, and can grin (or moan) when appropriate.

Although I occasionally fall behind in keeping up with my favorite novelists, I am a voracious reader with an eclectic, curious mind. And, I am reasonably current with the news of the world. I've been told that I have a great sense of situational humor, with a contagious smile and laugh.

At a young 53, I have retained most of my 6' 3" height, have almost all of my medium brown hair - just a few gray hairs at the temples (distinguished without Grecian formula), and only occasionally have to resort to glasses to augment my brown eyes. I'm still asked if I played basketball - which I did ... until I learned that white guys can't jump!
Just thought you'd like to know that I found many parts of your posting to be most enticing, we seem to be on the same sensuality and sexuality pages ... yummy, would you love for me to bring some romance, passion, adventure, and excitement into your life?

You'll find that I am a romantic type -- wine, roses, and candlelight -- but very firm hand, very masculine, a deep voice, and something they call Presence. I'm looking for a woman who finds pleasure in exploring the full potential of her femininity, sensuality, and sexuality.

I have recently re-discovered how truly pleasureable extended foreplay can be for both a man and a woman, so I am into slightly kinky sexual pleasures -- but not hard-core.
You might call me a Gentleman DOM. If you are expecting a blue collar sadist, I'm not your guy because I am a well educated, well read professional worthy of respect . . . but if you enjoy submission and light to medium domination from one who has found that his creative and playful sexuality can provide extended foreplay and gourmet sex, to say nothing of eclectic passion and lust!!
Then, we probably ought to get together . . . I'm near Austin.
I'm tall, do you occasionally enjoy wearing heels and stockings when out with one of us taller guys?
Perhaps I mention that I very much enjoy having my ears tickled by the lace of stockings tops!
How high are your heels?
What color roses would you prefer?

Tell me more! Perhaps send pics to xxx@gmail.com
Take care . . . ciao!

HCRA

Please support this cause: http://www.hillcountryride.org/site/PageServer. I rode with my sister in 2004 and we've already started training for this year's ride on April 29, 2006.

hello strangers

So I haven't posted in nearly a month and I know you're all sitting on pins & needles just dying to hear from me. I've been wrapped up in my two other addictions: myspace & craigslist...sheesh I cannot get enough myspace right now and it's making me koo-koo. So...what's new you ask? Very little, which is a good thing! Working for the (wo)man, keeping my nose clean and loving my life. I hope I can remember this the next time I feel like a pile of dooky!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!