feelings

So The Musician revealed to me that he has "feelings" for me and that they never really went away. I think he's trying to get back together with me! I have to admit, I'm not entirely opposed to the idea. There is something very attractive about the idea of being with someone who has already seen me at my worst, and my best for that matter. He knew all about me and loved me anyway. It seems to me that he actually likes me because of who I am and not in spite of. Last night I was able to ask him about his long range career goals and he impressed me with his plans. I still feel really confused about this whole situation, I wish these things were easier for me. It's very important for me to remember that just like everything else, it's really only one day at a time. My sister had the good sense to point out that sometimes you have to be careful what you wish for, in this case The Musician is not even close to being milquetoast.

step nine

Early Tuesday morning I got a voicemail from my ex-boyfriend The Musician. When I say "ex" I mean we broke up about six years ago. When I say broke up I mean he dumped me at the end of a birthday party I had thrown him during which he introduced me to the girl that he was presumably dumping me for. He never admitted that's why he was dumping me but come on, this ain't my first rodeo. The whole thing was highly unceremonious and insulting. To be fair, I had dumped him the previous summer in an equally unceremonious and insulting fashion, perhaps he was just getting even. We got back together nine months later for a short two months which fortunately resulted in Nappy meeting her future husband the Rock Star. I have always figured that was a fair sacrifice since he's so great and she's so happy with him, I am lucky to have him for a brother-in-law. But I digress. The Musician's message to me had all the elements of a ninth step amends which made me jump for gleeful joy at the prospect that he might have turned over a new leaf. The boy was a wreck back then; I can only imagine how much worse it could have gotten. He left a cell phone number but said it wouldn't be turned on for a couple of days. As you can imagine I have been obsessively calling the number only to get the generic cell phone lady's voice telling me the cellular customer I was trying to reach is currently unavailable. For Pete's sake man, you can't drop a bomb on my voicemail like that and not leave a way for me to reach you! Well today I finally got wise and sent him a text message; I figured he would get it as soon as his cell phone was finally working. Lo and behold he called me back, I about fell out of my desk chair. We talked for about ten minutes in which I gleaned that he is probably sober (he used the word "amends") and he's single, employed and living with his brother and two nieces. He also told me he's suffering from Gulf War syndrome for which the V.A. is treating him. It is heartbreaking to think of the suffering he has endured as a result of being in the military, a choice he made to escape an abusive stepdad and ostensibly to pay for college. I am going to call him back tonight when we can talk longer and we’re going to make a plan to meet in person. I cannot explain to you the feelings I am now having about having this man pop back into my life out of the clear blue sky and apologize for the way he treated me. That is something I had given up on a long time ago. I have to say, I’m pretty excited about it!

milquetoast

Well I had been working on a crush that I neglected to mention here. He is a co-worker of mine who sits in the cube right next to mine, we'll call him The Cruncher. I use the term "cube" loosely because I really only have one full wall; one side is only half a wall and the other two sides are completely open. The crush on The Cruncher started a couple of months ago, probably because he and I spend so many hours talking to each other. Our job consists of waiting for the phone to ring, in the meantime there is not much else to do but chit-chat. The Cruncher and I have a lot in common: we're both native Austinites, extremely liberal, ready to start families, have good relationships with our parents and siblings and have the same taste in movies. On paper he's a good catch: he owns his own home, drives a nice new car, has a master's degree and earns a decent living. Plus he is kind, sensitive, caring and not bad looking. Of course I am not one bit sexually attracted to him, but I figured that could change and grow. There is one other weird element: he is forty and has a 23-year-old "girlfriend" who lives in California, they have been "together" for over two years. We have gone out to lunch a couple of times and then last week I invited him over to watch a movie at my house. We decided to follow my regular movie night m.o. and order a pizza. When he got there I started making salads and asked him to order the pizza. He got very nervous and said he needed a pen so he could rehearse the phone call. Dude, just order the damn pizza! I asked him if he wanted me to order it and he conceded. Then he started asking me if his car was ok parked by my curb or if he should move it into my driveway. I live in a mini-cul-de-sac so no traffic goes by my house. I told him I thought it would be fine but he opted to move his car anyway. I felt insulted that he seemed afraid of my neighborhood. I have lived there for ten years and no one has ever touched my car or the cars of my guests. There were a few other things that happened during the course of the evening that really got on my nerves and showed me that girlfriend or no girlfriend, The Cruncher is not the man for me. It was actually a breakthrough because I realized that I do have enough self-esteem to wait for the Right Guy rather than settle for the Convenient Guy. And that includes a guy I'm sexually attracted to!

updates

The panic is starting to creep back in, I've had two good bouts of it since my last acupuncture treatment. Rats. I just refilled my Chinese herb prescription, hopefully that will help. I'm starting to wonder if it's related to aspartame, I have read that it can contribute to panic and anxiety. I was already trying to avoid it because it supposedly also contributes to depression, but I indulged myself a couple of times and those were the two days that I had near misses with a panic attack.
My roommate suddenly decided to move out in September. I am mostly ok with it but I will miss the extra income, I was counting on the money to help pay for an enormous vet bill I racked up last month along with pet insurance premiums to help prevent another such bill. Fear of financial insecurity definitely contributes to my anxiety level!
updates update: my roommate is staying after all, yea!

their emails

In case you're interested, I thought I would post Dr. Telch's and his assistant's emails to me.

Hers:

"I am so very sorry. I am new to scheduling patients for Dr. Telch, and I assumed that you knew that you were being scheduled to see him as a private patient. Most of his patients are very pleased when they find out that he treats them in his home rather than his office at the University of Texas. They have found it to be a very private and relaxing environment. Dr. Telch is sending you some information, but if I can do anything at all to help you please let me know. Once again, I am so sorry. I take full responsibility for the misunderstanding. Please feel free to call me if you have any questions."

His:

"I apologize for the misunderstanding and feel bad that I made you feel so uncomfortable. I think you sensed my frustration at Christine for not clarifying this with you. Christine - my assistant is new and she led me to believe that you understood you were seeing me for a private consultation. I have spent time reviewing your evaluation and you obviously can definitely use some expert help. I am attaching an educational handout that we give our study participants. You may find this helpful as a starter. I can check with my staff to see if there is room for you in the next UT treatment group. The advantage of that is that it is free, the disadvantage is that it is a group treatment and therefore does not allow the specific individual tailoring. The therapists are advanced students who have been trained by me to perform the panic treatment. In order to participate in that, you would still need to come in to my office at the University and complete a face-to-face interview. Based on your test scores online, my guess is that you'll pass the interview and be eligible to take part in the study. Keep in mind that we have a very powerful non-medication treatment for panic. There are some other less expensive private alternatives as well if you do not want to jump through the hoops of a university-based program, I can probably get one of my doctoral students to give you the treatment one-on-one at UT at a significantly reduced fee. Sorry again for the misunderstanding! Don't hesitate to call me if you have any questions."

average conceited jerk

Yesterday I had that appointment with the UT professor, Dr. Michael Telch. I even showed up five minutes early which is quite a feat for me. When I got to the address they gave me I walked in the front door and realized I was standing in someone's house, it totally freaked me out. So I called the number they gave me and Dr. Telch told me the entrance to his office was on the ground level by the garage, I'm not sure how I was supposed to deduce that. I walked into his office and was immediately faced with a picture window that looks out onto his boat dock where his wife was hanging out with their dogs. The whole situation made me very uncomfortable. Dr. Telch offered me a clipboard with some paperwork to fill out, but not before pointing out, with seeming annoyance, that I was early. As I looked over the paperwork I realized it was for new patients of his and had nothing to do with the UT laboratory study. I stopped and said, "Before I fill this out, I was under the impression I was here for the research study." To that he replied quite haughtily, "Why would you think that? You scheduled a private session with me." I told him I went though the lab website and filled out all the questionnaires for the lab study. He made it sound like it should have been crystal clear that I was approaching him for a private session. To that I replied, "Well it must be confusing because I am an intelligent person and it was not clear to me." He said, "Are you having panic attacks?" I said I was and he replied, "Well I am one of the World's Gurus on Panic Attacks. And it's a five to nine month wait for the research study, if you even qualify." I got up to leave and he told me to wait so he could give me some information. I handed him his clipboard and said "I don't like the way you're talking to me so I am going to leave now," and walked out of his office slamming the door behind me. I went straight home and sent this email to his "assistant" (who I think is his wife; they have the same last name):

"I have a couple of suggestions to help prevent future misunderstandings such as the one that occurred today between me, you and Dr. Telch. Here is the process I followed: I logged into the "University of Texas at Austin LSAD Online Testing and Interview System" and completed several questionnaires. Then, as requested, I sent an email to LSAD@telchlab.com. Since all of this fell under the heading of "University of Texas at Austin LSAD Online Testing and Interview System" and the email goes to a lab address and the introduction states: "Dr. Telch or one of his staff will contact you as soon as possible" and mentions nothing about Dr. Telch's private practice; I am not sure how it was misunderstood that I wanted a private session with him. Also, nothing in your emails indicated that is what I was scheduling; I assumed it was some sort of screening process for the lab. As far as Dr. Telch's attitude, you may want to suggest to him that he use a more compassionate and less condescending tone with someone he knows to be suffering from anxiety and panic attacks. Furthermore, I think he should be embarrassed to tout himself as "one of the world's gurus on panic attacks" when he acts like an average conceited jerk. You may want to revisit your process."

About an hour later I got a call from Dr. Telch apologizing for the "misunderstanding." He said he would be willing to offer me a couple of follow up sessions free of charge to compensate for what happened. He made it clear they would be "at UT, not at my home" as if I had invaded his home against his will. He also sent me an apologetic email as did his "assistant." Neither of them addressed the cause of the "misunderstanding" and I now have no desire to work with him on any level.
My mom, my marketing professional friend C. and my roommate J. all think that he's pulling some sort of scam to get vulnerable people into his office for expensive private sessions. C. said it sounded like the old bait-and-switch and that I should report him to UT. I'm not sure if I should go there or not...

acupuncture works

I went to an acupuncture school last Wednesday to get a treatment specifically for my anxiety & panic. Some of you may remember why I will not go back to see my regular acupuncturist. Anyway, the intern who worked on me said I had a dry heat, "like a brush fire blowing in the wind." It was interesting and the treatment went very well. They gave me some horrible tasting herbs that I have been drinking religiously twice a day and guess what, NO PANIC ATTACKS!!! I already knew acupuncture works because it cured my strep throat once, but now I am even more convinced. Tomorrow I am meeting with a UT professor who runs an laboratory for the study of anxiety disorders. They give free cognitive behavioral therapy to anxiety & panic sufferers, I'm really excited to find out more...