dating, part deux

Last August I posted about my dating capers. Well last night I ran into one of the guys that I went on a few "outings" with during that time. He smells fantastic, is super cute and a great kisser (incidentally, he's also the last guy I kissed.) He is an all around great guy, his one major flaw: supreme flakiness. Last year I kept hearing a voice in my head that said, "he's just not that into you..."
Well last night he not only fixed my leaky toilet but he played a fun round of Truth or Dare Jenga with me that naturally led to some smooching and voila, the dry spell is over! The best part is, it magically dispelled the obsession that I have been cursed with this week. He already called me today to thank me for the great time last night. Thank you sweet baby jesus for sending a cutie my way.

my brain takes the wheel and guns it into overdrive

Since That Man and I have had The Chat during which I put some feelings on the table and made myself all vulnerable and shit, I cannot stop thinking about it! In keeping with the 7th grade storyline, this is the point where every morning I carefully plan what I am going to wear in hopes that he notices and passes me a note in study hall. Then at school I go out of my way to pass his locker several times a day so he can see me in my cute and coordinating Esprit outfit. All day long I'm passing notes back and forth with my girlfriends hoping to get the scoop on who he's talking to, where he's going on Friday night, what are his likes and dislikes, has he noticed me yet??? I am powerless over my crushes and my brain has become unbearable. I wish there was an easy cure for intrusive and obsessive thoughts. I need a brain exorcism.

growing pains, a.k.a. learning how to date casually

I have a love/hate relationship with dating. I hate the process of finding someone to date. I love the excitement and butterflies that always accompany a date with someone new. Most of all I hate the part where I have to start navigating negotiations with prospective partner. I have somewhat entered that stage with a particular man in my life. Ew, have I mentioned that I hate it? Last night we had an hour long phone conversation that went something like this:
me: where are you coming from with this, I'm just curious
him: I want to date you, but not exclusively
me: just so you know I don't sleep around, I'm monogamous
him: and that's a good way to be
me: thanks for humoring me
him: baby, I'm not humoring you
me: well thanks for doing this over the phone then
him: sweet dreams
A little background: I never learned how to date casually. All my relationships (save about three) started in a drunken stupor. I usually ended up with a boyfriend after spending two weeks drinking the garcon du jour under the table. I'm seriously stunted in this area and walk around feeling like a 12-year-old which is pretty scary when negotiating sexual relations with a 43-year-old man. I get all freaked out about nothing, like I'm at the 7th grade dance and he won't dance to Careless Whisper with me so I run off to the bathroom to bawl my eyes out.
Yup, that's how I feel. Doesn't it sound like fun?

hello PMS my old friend

For the past week I have been suffering through a horrible bout of PMS. Like my friend Ekki, I HATE IT. As you may have read in my previous posts, I also struggle with Funtime Mental Issues and it is excruciatingly difficult to determine what's really going on when I feel like committing hara-kari or homicide. It was so bad I even called my shrink, who of course did not have any magic answers for me. For any of you women out there who do not suffer with this affliction, you suck. But just because I'm seriously jealous. By my calculations this is the 247th month I have felt this way so you would think I might have gotten used to it. On the contrary, it blindsides me every month and I wonder just What the Hell is wrong with me now?! It makes me really angry that I go through this every month and I may never have a child to make it worth all the trouble.

Nature can be so cruel!

oh hell no

Extra! Extra! This just in: words I never thought I would see in print ever again:
"HOW TO WEAR PEG-LEG STYLES" and "HOW TO WEAR PLEATED PANTS". Are you fucking kidding me? Thanks to TWK for bringing this horrible fashion development to our attention... click here to read more. I don't care what the fuck Gwyneth Paltrow, Kate Moss, and Sienna Miller are wearing, there's no way my ass is making any appearances in anything peg-legged and/or pleated. THAT IS INSANITY PEOPLE.

On a completely different note, my best friend the T.A. is celebrating St. Patty's Day by mentioning beer as often as possible today. It's only noon and I have lost count. Update: T.A. just left work early. On his way out the door he said to me, "don't be a hater girlfriend, I'm going to be two sheets to the wind by the time you get off work." It is 1:30 pm, I get off work at 4:30 pm.

I, on the other hand, will be celebrating by eating Jell-O Sugar Free Fat Free chocolate pudding:

("Sixty four percent of moms say JELL-O Pudding

is a favorite snack for kids!")

with fat free Cool Whip whipped topping:

along with Baked! Tostitos "tortilla chips" and salsa:

Aren't you jealous?

add it to the ever-growing list

So I am officially addicted to craigslist missed connections. I pore over the posts every day and I get very excited each time a new one shows up. It's some weird voyeuristic fetish I have, reading about all those people out there trying to make a connection. I am embarrassed to admit, I have even posted a few of my own. Even more embarrassing to admit, I have had two dates as a result of my postings!
The first one was a waiter in a restaurant where my family had dinner one night. He was a real cutie and we had a great coffee date. He acted all into me, asked me if could see me again, said he would call me and then never did. *sigh* Now his band keeps playing with another friend of mine's band and I don't want to go see them play because I don't want him to think I'm there to see him. Poo.
The second one responded to something I had posted for someone else. I figured what the hell and wrote him back. We corresponded for awhile via email and he seemed nice enough so I finally agreed to have dinner with him. The guy turned out to be King of the Tools. Within the first fifteen minutes of dinner he was telling me about the problematic sex life he had with his ex-wife. He went so far as to tell me, "I like to do it all, you know what I'm saying?" Ew. And that's just a sampler, there was so much more but it would be way too much to put here.
One might think I would learn my lesson but of course not, I continue to post because for me it is a fun, if not tragic, diversion from my mundane life.

morning pillow talk

Heard this morning:

T.A.: How you doin' girl?
Me: fine
T.A.: Smile, it's Friday, the only day you can legally walk into a liquor store and nobody looks at you funny.
Me: [silently ignoring]
T.A.: I have a serious problem.
Me: yes, I am aware of that

It looks like I have some prayin' to do. However, I can't decide which prayer, "Dear SuperPower, please get this (obviously) sick man some help." -OR- "Dear SuperPower, please get this (obviously) annoying man a job in a different area, somewhere far, far from here."
Or as Ekki said, I could just kick him in the family jewels, which frankly sounds like a lot more fun.

the time has come

I can no longer refrain from talking about a certain Tragic Alcoholic (or T.A. for short) co-worker. This morning when were here alone together he said he had a joke for me, this is how it went:

T.A.: "Have I told you that you remind me of the grades I made in school?"
Me: "uh, no."
T.A.: "All 'D's!"

I ran this by my other co-workers and they all agreed there is only one thing referred to as a "D" and I think we all know what that is. Now I'm not one to call "sexual harassment" on the first guy who makes an infantile comment about my rack but COME ON PEOPLE. Besides this guy is a complete lame ass who talks incessantly about his lame ass drinking. I have officially lost my patience. Now just what is a modern feminist gal supposed to do?

interesting

Over the past year I have been experiencing an interesting shift in my taste in men. I previously had a tendency to inadvertently pick out the most wounded trainwreck of a man in the room. Think Robert Downey, Jr., Colin Farrell, Christian Slater, etc. A mentor of mine calls it the "Broken Bird Fetish" and I guess I have to (begrudgingly) agree. A friend of mine who is more healthy than I am in the men department has to alert me to the Broken Bird nature of the men I am attracted to. She can smell it from a mile away while I'm naively gazing at them with teenage girl googly eyes.
However, I've begun to wise up and I'm starting to catch a whiff of the B.B. a little sooner than I used to, which was usually about two months into dating a guy. What's more, I am starting to gravitate toward older, blue collar, biker dudes...think Kris Kristofferson...WTF?!? I think it has something to do with being minutely willing to entertain the idea of letting someone take care of me just a tiny little bit for a change.
Double K looks like he would be pretty darn handy around the house and I bet he likes dogs.

Quandaries

In August I posted this: "I met a man, in a most coincidental way, whom I feel is my mindmeldsoulbrother but for reasons completely beyond my control he is absolutely unavailable to me." That man is still a part of my life (my sick choice) and when we make contact via email I inevitably end up feeling completely nauseated. Today was one of those days, partly because his absolute unavailability was right up in my face yet again. It's just one more addiction in the long list that I am afflicted with. I've learned it takes a phenomenal amount of personal pain for me to stop doing things that are unhealthy for me. I hear it's the Nature of the Disease Beast.

On a completely different note, I had dinner with a lovely man last night. We are not dating but we really enjoy each other's company. After dinner he came over and walked my dogs with me; it doesn't get much sweeter than that in my humble opinion. In person there is zero chemistry but I feel we are a perfect match on paper. One of my closest friends disagrees, she thinks that if he were my boyfriend he would drive me completely b-a-n-a-n-a-s in three weeks flat. When I asked her why she mumbled something about me needing a boyfriend with a steady job. Fair enough. However, I'm completely terrified that I'm just one of "those girls" that nice guys always complain about. You know the kind of girl that only dates jerks? About half of me believes that chemistry can grow over time once trust and compatibility are established and the other half believes that if it's not there it ain't ever gonna be there. And then a tiny part of me doesn't give a shit, she just wants a super hot boy toy. I have to tell her to be quiet...a lot.