I hate pants

I took the day off yesterday to go shopping for pants. I need pants for work, bad. It's so bad I literally have four pairs of work pants if you don't include the one pair of lame black slacks I bought at Goodwill out of desperation. They are too short and make me want to cry when I have to wear them on Dirty Laundry Day. They seriously qualify as highwaters. Apparently I am currently an in-between-odd-size because everything I tried on was either two tight on the ass or gaping at the waist. It seems I am also a weird height because all the pants were either past my feet or skimming my ankles. After hours of shopping I went home empty handed, what a bust! I long for a day when I can work from home in my pajama pants, they always fit like a dream.

so dreamy

I checked my personals profile last night and discovered I got a "wink" from this man. Winks are free, he didn't even want to use his credits to contact me. Ain't life grand?!

me likee

According to my sources, I may or may not be developing some like for a Mormon. Yikes. Just say we were to get married, I wonder if I would have to share him with other wives? It's a joke people, I know they stopped practicing polygamy in 1890. Here's a post from another one of my favorite blogs regarding polygamy. I really like her point, "the only reason the church stopped sanctioning polygamy was because the government told them they had to. So… God was wrong? God answers to the American government?" I think I'll use some of her arguments if he tries to get me to convert. Because being in like with someone is obviously one tiny step away from getting married in a Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints temple.

captain joe

Earlier in the month I posted about placing an online personal ad. Not surprisingly, it has not been very successful. This evening I got a message from a guy whose profile headline states, "Firstmate Needed to Have FUN !!!!!!"
Under the heading "Why You Should Get to Know Me" he proclaims:

“Hello out their...... single, active Captain looking for Fristmate. I love the lake with sunsets...Water is great....Dining on my vessel with freinds & mate." [oh look, he’s a poet!]

Then under the heading "More About What I Am Looking For" he expounds:

"Looking for Firstmate to enjoy the lake life, Will train to assist in boating ....looking for a girl that enjoys dancing, boating, hanging out on Housboat ...enjoying the weekend Music & Sunsets. Adventure is their, Fun is their, Moonlite cruises are their, Just need you their..........See Ya......."

This is a forty-year-old man who purportedly has a four-year college degree and that is the best he can come up with? Word to the wise: if you're going to use the same pronoun four times in quick succession, be sure you're using the correct one.
In his super charming note to me he wrote,

“Hi How is your day been, do you like sunsets on Lake Travis...The weather is getting nice & the water is great... Tell me a litle more about you?
See Ya Captain Joe”

Aye, aye, Cap’n, my heart is aflutter.

Freakin’ Lovely.

calling all democrats

One of my co-workers brought this site to my attention, tee hee hee! "Democrat Singles lets liberal and democrat singles find their politically correct match. Whether you are a member of U.S. Democratic Party or just a supporter, this site will help you meet women and men who think like you do. Join the best dating site for meeting single Dems! Who knows... you may just meet the love of a lifetime!"

relief

As Crystal so tenderly pointed out to me, perhaps I just need to get laid? Now statistically speaking I would have to agree; as I have mentioned these are dry times my friends. However I must argue my case, because that's what I do. First and foremost, there is the obvious issue of a missing partner with whom I would do said dirty deed. My standards have apparently become impossibly high and great candidates aren't exactly lining up at my door. Secondly, because unfortunately I am not wired to have casual sex I can't just jump into bed with some guy purely for the sake of relief. Damn it! Sure sounds like fun though...you gals who can do it hit one for me please. Third, getting into a sexual relationship presents its own set of anxieties for me (of course). Most importantly there is the risk of getting pregnant. I am in no position to bring a baby into the world right now, as much as I might want to later.
Back to the drawing board.
Sidebar: I’m curious to know how many of you regularly have sex just to relieve your anxiety. Give it to me straight.

it's back...

...the anxiety, that is. I didn't really know how bad it had gotten until I went back and read a post of mine from last August when the shit really hit the fan and realized it's that bad. So I put in a call to my Doctor, looks like it's back to the drawing table again. Damn it! I'm so sick of that GD drawing table, I would be happy if I never had to see it again. Last night I was watching Chocolat which is a perfectly sweet and lovely movie, and for some reason I started bawling right in the middle. WTF? Anxiety is different from depression and a lot less scary, it's just frustrating, overwhelming and exhausting. Imagine that your brain is stuck in a constant loop of worry that impedes your ability to focus on simple and enjoyable tasks like cooking a meal, watching a movie or having a phone conversation with a friend. That's what my anxiety feels like and I am completely over it.

laaaaambykins

This is some funny shit

scary and sad

As I have mentioned before my sister and I are training for the HCRA which means we have been riding long distances on some pretty scary roads. When I say long distances I mean long for me, I think the longest was 43 miles. When I say scary I mean two lane country roads, sometimes with no shoulders and high speed traffic. Here is a map of the ride we did last Saturday. So then today I read this horrible story which scares the holy bejebus out of me.
I am sure all of you are very courteous drivers but here is my PSA for the month: please remember to be careful when you see a cyclist on the road, they have the same rules and rights to the road and are much more vulnerable. Thank you!

interesting choice

So I went to dinner with The Writer on Friday night and when he picked me up he told me again that he had missed me. I can't help but wonder why he didn't just call or email me if he missed me so dang much? Anyway, we had a nice dinner with our usually easy, breezy conversation. However, at one point I asked him "what else is new" and he replied he didn't know how much I wanted to hear about his personal life. I must have given him a "bring it on" facial expression because he went ahead and launched into a tale about a woman he had been seeing for the past week. I was a little surprised by his choice of conversation topics but I just sort of went with it because it was a funny story either way. Part of me is glad he is so comfortable with me but part of me thinks that it's inappropriate disclosure to talk about other women with someone you're reportedly (at least a little bit) romantically interested in. Am I taking crazy pills? One of my friends thinks he's trying to make me jealous, as if my jealousy will spur me into action of some sort. Unfortunately he is sadly mistaken because I respond in the exactly opposite way; if I think there are sharks circling I swim in the other direction. I don't want any part of that biznazz.

I hate american idol

The people I work with apparently have a burning need to recap daily the American Idol episode from the previous evening. They talk about the contestants as if they are on a first name basis with them and get very emotional about the outcomes. I am so happy I can honestly say I have only watched a couple of the preliminary episodes and was lucky enough to catch the one where William Hung made his now-famous debut. It was truly unforgettable, but not great enough to make me want to watch that stupid show.

so predictable

It has now been two weeks since my smoochfest with The Plumber, a.k.a. Mr. Supreme Flakiness, and I've only heard from him twice (not that I'm counting). There was no mention of any further contact. As I suspected, He's Just Not That Into Me. Thankfully I'm okay with that, I realize that it is his loss and I'm better off not wasting time with a really flaky guy. Right on cue, The Writer, a.k.a. The Man Who Sent Me Into a Seventh Grade Tailspin, called me on Tuesday, two weeks to the day since I last emailed him (not that I'm counting). Very curious! His message to me: "I miss you and I would like to see you! I assume for the past couple of weeks you've been rocketing around the hill country on your bike...if you feel like calling me you should." Uhhhh, so if I haven't contacted you I must have a really good reason? Something that has kept me so busy that it has held me back from my nearly irrepressible and urgent desires to chase you down? It couldn't possibly mean I just didn't feel like giving you the time of day because you hit my last nerve with a comment you made during our Little Chat. God Forbid! Of course I'm having dinner with him tomorrow night, would you expect anything less?

more on dating

So I was reading a post from one of my favorite blogs and it got me thinking, what am I doing with boys? I guess the question is moot because I'm not really doing a goddamn thing with any boys whatsoever. However, I sure do spend a lot of mental energy thinking about them...so much so that I believe it qualifies as obsessing. I heard a woman say last night that she mentally "engages" without actually engaging with another person. She meant that she engages in the obsessive thinking about someone else and lets them take up space rent free in her brain. That's what I'm doing with boys. I think I am addicted to obsessing, I can find anything to wrap my brain around and not let go. I can understand one reason why people in my club go out, it's really hard to date when you get sober and you don't want to date within the club. I try to think of those boys as "close blood kin" which makes it quite unpalatable to consider them dating partners. So where does a sober girl go to meet boys? I can’t go to the dog park because my dogs are the “problem children" on the playground and the other parents end up scowling at me with disdain. It just turns into a shame spiral and does nothing productive for any of us.
See, I used to have no problems in the dating department. Well, that’s not entirely true, I had plenty of problems with the boys I did date but I didn’t really have a problem getting a date. I have even had a few longish relationships, and by “longish” I mean one to two years. At this juncture I have only had two shortish relationships, if you can even call them that, in the past four years. And by “shortish” I mean four to six months. That is some serious dry time my friends.
I realize I probably sound like I’m desperately hunting for a husband but really, I’m not. I would just like to go on some fun dates, have some tawdry make out sessions, hold a boy’s hand and smell his neck. I don’t think that’s too much to ask!

gastrointestinal distress

It all started with the bake sale "nachos" I succumbed to at about 10:00 this morning. Here at the State "nachos" means tortilla chips smothered in a boring yet surprisingly salty queso cheese presented as an appropriate mid-morning bake sale item. Grodine.
The heartburn was furthered along considerably by something that started as a message I received in one of my six email accounts. That's right I said six. I know people, I have a problem. Flashback to yesterday: following some advice I recently received, I decided to post a personal ad in one of our local online rags. I productively used my work time and generous internet access to carefully craft a cutesy ad. Cut to today: the message winking at me from my inbox was letting me know someone had responded to my ad. Yippee! So soon! My picture must be cuter than I think! My responses to the canned questions must have been Oh So Witty! I can't wait to see this guy!
*sigh* I should have known. Three major Deal Breakers:
1) The dude is 49 (I put a generous 45 as the oldest man I'm looking for. 49 is closer to my dad's age than mine)
2) He is Conservative (I am Liberal)
3) He is Christian (I am Spiritual, not Religious)
Now on Deal Breaker #3 I am willing to bend the rules a little, except when coupled with Deal Breaker #2. When I hear the words "Conservative Christian" paired together I can't help but hear "Pro Life" echoing in the not too distant background. He also said he likes to hang out at Carlos and Charlie's and sunbathes in the nude. One of his answers to a canned question? "I wouldn't sell my body for a billion dollars."
Two words: ew and ew.

fatty deluxe

This was posted on my agency's internal website:

"Janet Doe, with the Information Technology Division, tells @cpa, "Jane Doe's house caught fire March 28, 2006, after being struck by lightning. We will have a bake sale on April 5 from 7:30 - 2:30 in Conference Room 205 to assist her and her family in this time of need." Sausage Wraps, Breakfast Tacos, Waffles, Doughnuts, Nachos, Tamales, Chili, Banana Pudding, Cookies, Cakes, Fruit, Coffee, Soda"

Nice thought, but c'mon, sausage, doughnuts, chili, tamales AND banana pudding? Somewhere in Austin a state worker's heart has an massive coronary just thinking about all that saturated fat.

I wonder what Normal feels like?

I even wonder if there is such a thing as Normal? I do know that I have never felt what I perceive Normal to feel like. I see people who are married, have successful careers, kids, beautiful homes and plenty of money and wonder, how do they do it? I struggle on a daily basis, teetering on this tightrope of feelings and worries and obsessions, how would there be space in my brain for Normal stuff like hobbies or a relationship or children? I feel like my world is shrinking and things I used to enjoy and accomplish with ease are becoming less appealing and more difficult to manage. It's no wonder dating is so difficult for me, what sane man would want to spend any substantial amount of time with a nut like me? That's rhetorical by the way...
I feel happiest when I'm safe at home in my bubble with my dogs but even that gets lonely sometimes.

dating, part deux

Last August I posted about my dating capers. Well last night I ran into one of the guys that I went on a few "outings" with during that time. He smells fantastic, is super cute and a great kisser (incidentally, he's also the last guy I kissed.) He is an all around great guy, his one major flaw: supreme flakiness. Last year I kept hearing a voice in my head that said, "he's just not that into you..."
Well last night he not only fixed my leaky toilet but he played a fun round of Truth or Dare Jenga with me that naturally led to some smooching and voila, the dry spell is over! The best part is, it magically dispelled the obsession that I have been cursed with this week. He already called me today to thank me for the great time last night. Thank you sweet baby jesus for sending a cutie my way.

my brain takes the wheel and guns it into overdrive

Since That Man and I have had The Chat during which I put some feelings on the table and made myself all vulnerable and shit, I cannot stop thinking about it! In keeping with the 7th grade storyline, this is the point where every morning I carefully plan what I am going to wear in hopes that he notices and passes me a note in study hall. Then at school I go out of my way to pass his locker several times a day so he can see me in my cute and coordinating Esprit outfit. All day long I'm passing notes back and forth with my girlfriends hoping to get the scoop on who he's talking to, where he's going on Friday night, what are his likes and dislikes, has he noticed me yet??? I am powerless over my crushes and my brain has become unbearable. I wish there was an easy cure for intrusive and obsessive thoughts. I need a brain exorcism.

growing pains, a.k.a. learning how to date casually

I have a love/hate relationship with dating. I hate the process of finding someone to date. I love the excitement and butterflies that always accompany a date with someone new. Most of all I hate the part where I have to start navigating negotiations with prospective partner. I have somewhat entered that stage with a particular man in my life. Ew, have I mentioned that I hate it? Last night we had an hour long phone conversation that went something like this:
me: where are you coming from with this, I'm just curious
him: I want to date you, but not exclusively
me: just so you know I don't sleep around, I'm monogamous
him: and that's a good way to be
me: thanks for humoring me
him: baby, I'm not humoring you
me: well thanks for doing this over the phone then
him: sweet dreams
A little background: I never learned how to date casually. All my relationships (save about three) started in a drunken stupor. I usually ended up with a boyfriend after spending two weeks drinking the garcon du jour under the table. I'm seriously stunted in this area and walk around feeling like a 12-year-old which is pretty scary when negotiating sexual relations with a 43-year-old man. I get all freaked out about nothing, like I'm at the 7th grade dance and he won't dance to Careless Whisper with me so I run off to the bathroom to bawl my eyes out.
Yup, that's how I feel. Doesn't it sound like fun?

hello PMS my old friend

For the past week I have been suffering through a horrible bout of PMS. Like my friend Ekki, I HATE IT. As you may have read in my previous posts, I also struggle with Funtime Mental Issues and it is excruciatingly difficult to determine what's really going on when I feel like committing hara-kari or homicide. It was so bad I even called my shrink, who of course did not have any magic answers for me. For any of you women out there who do not suffer with this affliction, you suck. But just because I'm seriously jealous. By my calculations this is the 247th month I have felt this way so you would think I might have gotten used to it. On the contrary, it blindsides me every month and I wonder just What the Hell is wrong with me now?! It makes me really angry that I go through this every month and I may never have a child to make it worth all the trouble.

Nature can be so cruel!