six weird things

I got this from Ekki...According to the rules: each player of this game lists “six weird things about me.” People who get tagged need to write a blog of their own six weird things as well as state this rule clearly. In the end, you need to choose six people to be tagged and list their names. Don’t forget to leave a comment that says “you are tagged” in their comments and tell them to read your blog.

1. I am terribly grossed out by fingernail and toenail clippings, I can't even stand to hear the sounds of clippers in a public place. I don't mind nails if they are clean and attached to your body.

2. I think slightly crooked or otherwise imperfect teeth are sexy.

3. I have an unnatural fear of clowns, slightly open closet doors and Under The Bed.

4. Some of the most impressive things I have seen include: elephants trying to mate, killer whales trying to mate and a toad taking a shit.

5. I was sober on my 21st birthday. If you know me you know why this is weird.

6. I still have my last "in case of emergency" cigarette in my kitchen drawer, I quite smoking over two years ago.

I'm only tagging Nappy, I don't think anyone else I know would appreciate being tagged.

back to the drawing board

Ok, I am insane. I decided to repost an ad on a personals site, mixing it up a little and adding a funny picture. The day my ad went live an awesome guy sent me a message and we have been chatting online ever since. He seems really great and we have a lot in common...there is one thing I'm afraid could be a problem but I'm trying not to worry about it at this point since I haven't even met the guy yet. I don't even want to talk about it on here yet. Unfortunately the personals site tells you when the person was online last, for example: "within one day!" "within one hour!" "online now!" He and I have graduated to chatting via personal email so I know if he is on that site it is not to chat with me. My urge to cyberstalk is strong; who is he meeting on there for pete's sake? I am making up all kinds of stories in my head about the fabulous women he must be chatting with today since I haven't heard a peep from him since last night. Insane, I tell you!

As a side note, here is something I think no man should put in his personal ad: "I do have a fetish. I like to go up to women when I'm out and smell their hair...without getting caught. I sometimes get caught. If you catch me sniffing your hair, be gentle, I'm just smelling your hair, geez."
Btw, this was not written by the guy with whom I am chatting.

cat miracle

First of all, I am sorry I have not been posting very frequently. For one, I have not had much to report but more relevantly I have been quite depressed and just haven't felt like it. I recently got on a new medication and it seems to be helping, I think I am finally climbing out of the black pit of despair I had fallen into. Thankfully, I even have some good news to report!

As some of you know, my cat Rufus has developed various health issues (hyperthyroidism and heart disease) and in June he got very sick with a serious liver infection. He recovered beautifully and I crossed my fingers that I would not have another pet emergency for a good, long while. Unfortunately, his liver issue flared up about two weeks ago. He quit eating on his own and for a week the vet was syringe and tube feeding him. The techs said when they put food in front of him he would gag at the smell of it. On the fifth day of this my vet said it might be time to think about euthanasia given his other health problems. I was absolutely not ready to make that decision because I did not believe it was time yet. He was too active and alert for me to consider taking his life. I have had this cat for nearly twelve years, since he was a kitten, and he is the coolest cat. I call him my puppy-kitty because he thinks he's a dog, sometimes he will even sit for a cat treat! Anyway, my animal loving mom found a holistic vet and I took him there a week after he stopped eating. The vet agreed that he was in "crisis" and the most important thing was to get him to eat. I liked her a lot; she had a very calming presence and was very patient. So she administered acupuncture and prescribed Chinese herbs in an attempt to stimulate his appetite. I couldn't believe the way he reacted to the acupuncture; he actually relaxed and looked as if he enjoyed it! For the rest of the evening my mom and I offered him all sorts of different foods hoping something would be appetizing, he turned up his nose at various kinds of wet and dry cat food along with tuna, turkey, chicken, ham and beef. We kept putting a little bit of wet cat food in his mouth and he would eat it begrudgingly. However, around 9:30 that night he actually ate a little bit of food off the plate on his own. We thought it was a gigantic victory! I continued to feed him like that the next morning and by that afternoon I found him sitting at his bowl eating his regular dry food as if nothing was wrong. HOLY SHIT! I swear it's like a miracle. If any of you pet lovers out there are looking for an alternative to your current vet, email me and I will send you the information about my new favorite vet.

a short lived affair

Well after two months of dating The Musician I called it off on Monday night. I have to say, the decision was a very hard one because I was not mad at him and he was treating me very well. The problem was very simple, he just was not doing it for me. The magic wasn't there and I can tell you that if it is not there in the first couple of months, it's never going to be there. I'm very sad about it because I wanted so badly for it to work. It makes it even harder because he keeps telling me how much he loves me, how much he's always loved me and how he will always love me. Argh. I am afraid that I will never meet someone who love and accept me as much as he does and that is a sad prospect. However, I cannot stay with someone who is not the right guy for me. Wish me luck!

relief, part deux

I am happy to report that I think Crystal was right, some good old-fashioned sex (finally!) did help with the anxiety. That along with a little nudge from modern pharmaceuticals and the guru Dr. Telch. I have been mostly anxiety free since last Friday and I think that's working on a record folks.

no bueno

I just found out that the city's zoning and platting commission approved a proposed development near my house. This sucks for several reasons: 1) the view will be destroyed and 2) there will be one bridge in and out of the neighborhood over a creek at the end of what is now a dead end street running behind my house. That means that traffic will go up drastically since they're planning to squeeze 58 houses onto fourteen marshy acres. One of the things I have always loved about my house is the fact that there's a dead-end street back there! It sucks for my downstream neighbors because of what they're planning to do with water drainoff from the fourteen acres. Rainwater is currently is allowed to soak into the ground and slowly drain into the creek. According to the developers they plan to build a culvert underneath the houses that will dump the water directly into the creek. Undoubtedly houses will flood. Here are a couple of articles about our cause: The Chronicle and News 8 Austin. I am very sad today.

the latest scoop

O.M.G., I just got some news that made my week: the T.A. has put in his two week notice, my faith in the world has been restored! I had to pick up his slack for the past two afternoons so I have been feeling especially hateful towards him.

In other news, my psychiatrist urged me to get back in touch with Dr. Telch since I am still struggling with anxiety and panic. I had been stubbornly resisting his suggestion until last weekend when I finally had enough. I emailed him to ask if he would tell me what I need to do to qualify for his research study. He wrote me back and said he would either get one of his graduate students to work with me or he would work with me himself. At this point I'll take all the help I can get!

I am still not sure how I feel about getting back together with The Musician. Part of me loves him dearly and is excited and hopeful at the prospect. Then another, more sinister, part of me is coming up with all kinds of reasons why it won't work out. I feel like I have found myself in a relationship replete with pressure to make it work and I'm not even sure I want to be in a relationship. The pressure is all internal, he is not pressuring me to do anything and has made it abundantly clear that it's up to me to set the pace. I think there is some fear of being hurt again.

I talked to my supervisor at work about the possibility of going back to school. I would have to take some time off during the work day to go to class because the program I'm interested in does not offer evening classes. She said that would be fine, I would just have to come in 45 minutes early on those two days. I am so excited about the idea of continuing my education in pursuit of an actual career that would get me out of this dead end job in which I'm starting to stagnate.

third time's a charm?

I decided to give it a go with The Musician. So far I feel really safe and happy with him and the weirdest part is it doesn't feel weird. He said it's like he stepped out for a pack of smokes and got lost somewhere but finally found his way back...six years later. Being together feels like coming home. I still feel very nervous and afraid of making a huge mistake. My inner perfectionist wants to sort out every possible outcome and scenario before making any decisions. Of course that means I'm not living in the present and I am engaging in a lot of future projection. That behavior doesn't work since it's impossible to predict the future!

feelings

So The Musician revealed to me that he has "feelings" for me and that they never really went away. I think he's trying to get back together with me! I have to admit, I'm not entirely opposed to the idea. There is something very attractive about the idea of being with someone who has already seen me at my worst, and my best for that matter. He knew all about me and loved me anyway. It seems to me that he actually likes me because of who I am and not in spite of. Last night I was able to ask him about his long range career goals and he impressed me with his plans. I still feel really confused about this whole situation, I wish these things were easier for me. It's very important for me to remember that just like everything else, it's really only one day at a time. My sister had the good sense to point out that sometimes you have to be careful what you wish for, in this case The Musician is not even close to being milquetoast.

step nine

Early Tuesday morning I got a voicemail from my ex-boyfriend The Musician. When I say "ex" I mean we broke up about six years ago. When I say broke up I mean he dumped me at the end of a birthday party I had thrown him during which he introduced me to the girl that he was presumably dumping me for. He never admitted that's why he was dumping me but come on, this ain't my first rodeo. The whole thing was highly unceremonious and insulting. To be fair, I had dumped him the previous summer in an equally unceremonious and insulting fashion, perhaps he was just getting even. We got back together nine months later for a short two months which fortunately resulted in Nappy meeting her future husband the Rock Star. I have always figured that was a fair sacrifice since he's so great and she's so happy with him, I am lucky to have him for a brother-in-law. But I digress. The Musician's message to me had all the elements of a ninth step amends which made me jump for gleeful joy at the prospect that he might have turned over a new leaf. The boy was a wreck back then; I can only imagine how much worse it could have gotten. He left a cell phone number but said it wouldn't be turned on for a couple of days. As you can imagine I have been obsessively calling the number only to get the generic cell phone lady's voice telling me the cellular customer I was trying to reach is currently unavailable. For Pete's sake man, you can't drop a bomb on my voicemail like that and not leave a way for me to reach you! Well today I finally got wise and sent him a text message; I figured he would get it as soon as his cell phone was finally working. Lo and behold he called me back, I about fell out of my desk chair. We talked for about ten minutes in which I gleaned that he is probably sober (he used the word "amends") and he's single, employed and living with his brother and two nieces. He also told me he's suffering from Gulf War syndrome for which the V.A. is treating him. It is heartbreaking to think of the suffering he has endured as a result of being in the military, a choice he made to escape an abusive stepdad and ostensibly to pay for college. I am going to call him back tonight when we can talk longer and we’re going to make a plan to meet in person. I cannot explain to you the feelings I am now having about having this man pop back into my life out of the clear blue sky and apologize for the way he treated me. That is something I had given up on a long time ago. I have to say, I’m pretty excited about it!

milquetoast

Well I had been working on a crush that I neglected to mention here. He is a co-worker of mine who sits in the cube right next to mine, we'll call him The Cruncher. I use the term "cube" loosely because I really only have one full wall; one side is only half a wall and the other two sides are completely open. The crush on The Cruncher started a couple of months ago, probably because he and I spend so many hours talking to each other. Our job consists of waiting for the phone to ring, in the meantime there is not much else to do but chit-chat. The Cruncher and I have a lot in common: we're both native Austinites, extremely liberal, ready to start families, have good relationships with our parents and siblings and have the same taste in movies. On paper he's a good catch: he owns his own home, drives a nice new car, has a master's degree and earns a decent living. Plus he is kind, sensitive, caring and not bad looking. Of course I am not one bit sexually attracted to him, but I figured that could change and grow. There is one other weird element: he is forty and has a 23-year-old "girlfriend" who lives in California, they have been "together" for over two years. We have gone out to lunch a couple of times and then last week I invited him over to watch a movie at my house. We decided to follow my regular movie night m.o. and order a pizza. When he got there I started making salads and asked him to order the pizza. He got very nervous and said he needed a pen so he could rehearse the phone call. Dude, just order the damn pizza! I asked him if he wanted me to order it and he conceded. Then he started asking me if his car was ok parked by my curb or if he should move it into my driveway. I live in a mini-cul-de-sac so no traffic goes by my house. I told him I thought it would be fine but he opted to move his car anyway. I felt insulted that he seemed afraid of my neighborhood. I have lived there for ten years and no one has ever touched my car or the cars of my guests. There were a few other things that happened during the course of the evening that really got on my nerves and showed me that girlfriend or no girlfriend, The Cruncher is not the man for me. It was actually a breakthrough because I realized that I do have enough self-esteem to wait for the Right Guy rather than settle for the Convenient Guy. And that includes a guy I'm sexually attracted to!

updates

The panic is starting to creep back in, I've had two good bouts of it since my last acupuncture treatment. Rats. I just refilled my Chinese herb prescription, hopefully that will help. I'm starting to wonder if it's related to aspartame, I have read that it can contribute to panic and anxiety. I was already trying to avoid it because it supposedly also contributes to depression, but I indulged myself a couple of times and those were the two days that I had near misses with a panic attack.
My roommate suddenly decided to move out in September. I am mostly ok with it but I will miss the extra income, I was counting on the money to help pay for an enormous vet bill I racked up last month along with pet insurance premiums to help prevent another such bill. Fear of financial insecurity definitely contributes to my anxiety level!
updates update: my roommate is staying after all, yea!

their emails

In case you're interested, I thought I would post Dr. Telch's and his assistant's emails to me.

Hers:

"I am so very sorry. I am new to scheduling patients for Dr. Telch, and I assumed that you knew that you were being scheduled to see him as a private patient. Most of his patients are very pleased when they find out that he treats them in his home rather than his office at the University of Texas. They have found it to be a very private and relaxing environment. Dr. Telch is sending you some information, but if I can do anything at all to help you please let me know. Once again, I am so sorry. I take full responsibility for the misunderstanding. Please feel free to call me if you have any questions."

His:

"I apologize for the misunderstanding and feel bad that I made you feel so uncomfortable. I think you sensed my frustration at Christine for not clarifying this with you. Christine - my assistant is new and she led me to believe that you understood you were seeing me for a private consultation. I have spent time reviewing your evaluation and you obviously can definitely use some expert help. I am attaching an educational handout that we give our study participants. You may find this helpful as a starter. I can check with my staff to see if there is room for you in the next UT treatment group. The advantage of that is that it is free, the disadvantage is that it is a group treatment and therefore does not allow the specific individual tailoring. The therapists are advanced students who have been trained by me to perform the panic treatment. In order to participate in that, you would still need to come in to my office at the University and complete a face-to-face interview. Based on your test scores online, my guess is that you'll pass the interview and be eligible to take part in the study. Keep in mind that we have a very powerful non-medication treatment for panic. There are some other less expensive private alternatives as well if you do not want to jump through the hoops of a university-based program, I can probably get one of my doctoral students to give you the treatment one-on-one at UT at a significantly reduced fee. Sorry again for the misunderstanding! Don't hesitate to call me if you have any questions."

average conceited jerk

Yesterday I had that appointment with the UT professor, Dr. Michael Telch. I even showed up five minutes early which is quite a feat for me. When I got to the address they gave me I walked in the front door and realized I was standing in someone's house, it totally freaked me out. So I called the number they gave me and Dr. Telch told me the entrance to his office was on the ground level by the garage, I'm not sure how I was supposed to deduce that. I walked into his office and was immediately faced with a picture window that looks out onto his boat dock where his wife was hanging out with their dogs. The whole situation made me very uncomfortable. Dr. Telch offered me a clipboard with some paperwork to fill out, but not before pointing out, with seeming annoyance, that I was early. As I looked over the paperwork I realized it was for new patients of his and had nothing to do with the UT laboratory study. I stopped and said, "Before I fill this out, I was under the impression I was here for the research study." To that he replied quite haughtily, "Why would you think that? You scheduled a private session with me." I told him I went though the lab website and filled out all the questionnaires for the lab study. He made it sound like it should have been crystal clear that I was approaching him for a private session. To that I replied, "Well it must be confusing because I am an intelligent person and it was not clear to me." He said, "Are you having panic attacks?" I said I was and he replied, "Well I am one of the World's Gurus on Panic Attacks. And it's a five to nine month wait for the research study, if you even qualify." I got up to leave and he told me to wait so he could give me some information. I handed him his clipboard and said "I don't like the way you're talking to me so I am going to leave now," and walked out of his office slamming the door behind me. I went straight home and sent this email to his "assistant" (who I think is his wife; they have the same last name):

"I have a couple of suggestions to help prevent future misunderstandings such as the one that occurred today between me, you and Dr. Telch. Here is the process I followed: I logged into the "University of Texas at Austin LSAD Online Testing and Interview System" and completed several questionnaires. Then, as requested, I sent an email to LSAD@telchlab.com. Since all of this fell under the heading of "University of Texas at Austin LSAD Online Testing and Interview System" and the email goes to a lab address and the introduction states: "Dr. Telch or one of his staff will contact you as soon as possible" and mentions nothing about Dr. Telch's private practice; I am not sure how it was misunderstood that I wanted a private session with him. Also, nothing in your emails indicated that is what I was scheduling; I assumed it was some sort of screening process for the lab. As far as Dr. Telch's attitude, you may want to suggest to him that he use a more compassionate and less condescending tone with someone he knows to be suffering from anxiety and panic attacks. Furthermore, I think he should be embarrassed to tout himself as "one of the world's gurus on panic attacks" when he acts like an average conceited jerk. You may want to revisit your process."

About an hour later I got a call from Dr. Telch apologizing for the "misunderstanding." He said he would be willing to offer me a couple of follow up sessions free of charge to compensate for what happened. He made it clear they would be "at UT, not at my home" as if I had invaded his home against his will. He also sent me an apologetic email as did his "assistant." Neither of them addressed the cause of the "misunderstanding" and I now have no desire to work with him on any level.
My mom, my marketing professional friend C. and my roommate J. all think that he's pulling some sort of scam to get vulnerable people into his office for expensive private sessions. C. said it sounded like the old bait-and-switch and that I should report him to UT. I'm not sure if I should go there or not...

acupuncture works

I went to an acupuncture school last Wednesday to get a treatment specifically for my anxiety & panic. Some of you may remember why I will not go back to see my regular acupuncturist. Anyway, the intern who worked on me said I had a dry heat, "like a brush fire blowing in the wind." It was interesting and the treatment went very well. They gave me some horrible tasting herbs that I have been drinking religiously twice a day and guess what, NO PANIC ATTACKS!!! I already knew acupuncture works because it cured my strep throat once, but now I am even more convinced. Tomorrow I am meeting with a UT professor who runs an laboratory for the study of anxiety disorders. They give free cognitive behavioral therapy to anxiety & panic sufferers, I'm really excited to find out more...

more on panic

I have been suffering from anxiety and panic since I was 13. Luckily, over the years I have had long stretches of time where I am virtually symptom free. However for the past three weeks or so I have been having panic attacks that include all of the symptoms I listed in the previous post, and it is absolutely horrible. My shrink has prescribed medication for it but it is not 100% effective. I have cut back on caffeine and am trying to walk every day. In addition, I am looking into alternative methods for combatting this nightmare such as biofeedback and acupuncture. If anyone has any experience recovering from anxiety and panic, especially regarding alternatives to medication, I am all ears.

welcome to my world

A Panic Attack is defined as the abrupt onset of an episode of intense fear or discomfort, which peaks in approximately 10 minutes, and includes at least four of the following symptoms:

a feeling of imminent danger or doom; the need to escape; palpitations; sweating; trembling; shortness of breath or a smothering feeling; a feeling of choking; chest pain or discomfort;

nausea or abdominal discomfort; dizziness or lightheadedness; a sense of things being unreal, depersonalization; a fear of losing control or "going crazy"; tingling sensations; chills or hot flushes.

ADAA

future serial killer

Yesterday I overheard a lovely conversation between two of my co-workers yesterday, one of which is a dumbass married guy (MG) who keeps emailing me. The other guy was telling MG that a neighborhood cat had been crapping in his lawn to which MG responded, "Just put out a bowl of antifreeze, no more cat problem!" So I emailed MG and said he should watch what he says at work, that I had a cat die of antifreeze poisoining and that it is a terrible way to watch a pet die. He wrote me back and "apologized" but said something snarky about how I hadn't responded to an earlier email from him. I wrote him back and said I don't care to be friends with someone who thinks poisoning animals is funny. To which he replied, "I never said it was funny." People like him scare me very much.

gross

I hate it when people clip their fingernails at work. Every time I hear the distinctive snip-snip-snip sound my skin crawls as I imagine the simple squamous cells being tossed carelessly around the office. What if one of those germ-infested half-moons lands in someone's coffee?! Once when I worked at Starbucks a customer started clipping his fingernails right by the espresso machine. I just knew we were going to get a latte returned with a little sliver of scariness floating in the foam. I think personal grooming and hygiene should be kept where it belongs, in the privacy of our own bathrooms.

I hate pants

I took the day off yesterday to go shopping for pants. I need pants for work, bad. It's so bad I literally have four pairs of work pants if you don't include the one pair of lame black slacks I bought at Goodwill out of desperation. They are too short and make me want to cry when I have to wear them on Dirty Laundry Day. They seriously qualify as highwaters. Apparently I am currently an in-between-odd-size because everything I tried on was either two tight on the ass or gaping at the waist. It seems I am also a weird height because all the pants were either past my feet or skimming my ankles. After hours of shopping I went home empty handed, what a bust! I long for a day when I can work from home in my pajama pants, they always fit like a dream.