get weaned already

I went to a "Chick Schtick" comedy show Monday night and this one gal had a joke I found particularly funny. She said she's decided there is something creepy about a grown man drinking a glass of milk; that it would appear he hadn't been completely weaned off the teat. (tee hee hee, the mere mention of the word "teat" makes the joke funny!) I have to say I agree with her on that and what's more, it reminds me of one of my many pet peeves: people who refer to their parents as "Mom" or "Dad" in conversation rather than "my mom" or "my dad." It makes it sound like their mom or dad has suddenly also become my mom or dad. There is something that creeps me out about that and makes me want to scream "CUT THE APRON STRINGS for the love of god!" My last boyfriend (whose parents lived in another state) said "Mom called" and it turned out that he felt the need to call her back (even if we were still in my bed, sleeping late) and "Dad called" ...to tell him he was due for an oil change! Like I said, cut the damn apron strings!
I also feel the revulsion rising when people who refer to themselves in the third person, as in "Roxie sure is tired today!" or say "we" when they really mean "you." For example, "how are we doing today?" Ummm, I hope you know how you're doing today, I certainly don't...are you trying to ask me how I am doing today?

Is there a pill to relieve grumpiness???

***edit 1/05/06: I want to apologize to any men I may have offended who drink milk to relieve acid reflux or for any other medicinal type purposes; how insensitive of me!***

I'm so grumpy I can hardly stand to be around myself...

...and no, it's not PMS.

Right now my precious cat keeps walking over my hands as I try to type this which isn't helping. Here she is with her precious foot conveniently perched on the wrist cushion of my mouse pad.


















And here she is again after walking across the keyboard (and my hands) to sit on the other side of the monitor, staring at me lovingly.


I went to bed at 8:00 last night...ok that is normally my dinner time so something is seriously wrong. What's worse is I still woke up tired and grumpy after 9.5 hours of sleep!

Today at work was our annual Division Holiday Luncheon. And when I say luncheon I mean bbq catered by Poke-E-Jo's. And with a name like that you know it's going to be choice. Now, I don't eat meat and I didn't even like bbq when I did eat meat so I opted to stay back and cover the phones while everyone else went to chow down. Several well-meaning co-workers kept saying "We can bring you a plate? You can eat the potato salad! How about some cole slaw? Don't you like beans?" Ugh, by the end of I just wanted to scream. But I guess I can't really complain, I have a cushy state job and they shut down the office at 3:30 due to "inclement weather" and my boss just called to tell me it's not opening until 10:00 tomorrow morning.
I really should be less grumpy.

ooops, already wbw again

wbw

After checking out Mama Duck's WBW,
I decided to post these gems of me & my sister:
1) Disneyworld circa 1987, don't I have a nice poodle perm?
2) The two of us pretending we actually liked each other
And just for fun, enjoy the 80s Montage:
1) Camping & drinking games, ah the good ol' days
2) My junior yearbook photo
3) Me washing my first car: a 1981 Toyota Celica

my future husband; part deux

If I could go back in time I would trade places with Nicole Kidman on the set of this movie: To Die For. Hello hot young badboy deliciousness...

*le sigh*

two things...

...thanks to my dear sister. You may notice I have once again stolen some of her answers:

Two Names You Go By
1. Onion Booty
2. Nutcase

Two Parts of Your Heritage
1. German
2. Native American

Two Things That Scare You
1. Sleeping with the windows open (hello Richard Ramirez)
2. Men in creepy costumes (think santa claus, clowns and mimes)

Two of Your Everyday Essentials
1. Happy Pills
2. Coffee/Shower/Chapstick - it's a triple tie

Two Things You Are Wearing Right Now
1. Trusty wifebeater
2. My favorite Hot Topic skull socks

Two of Your Favorite Bands or Musical Artists (at the moment)
1. The Killers
2. Interpol

Two Things You Want in a Relationship (other than Real Love)
1. Spirituality
2. Safety

Two Truths
1. Change is the only constant in this life
2. Relationships are hard work

Two Physical Things that Appeal to You
1. Hands
2. Eyes

Two of Your Favorite Hobbies
1. My pets
2. B&W photography

Two Things You Want Really Badly
1. Feet that don't hurt
2. Pretty skin

Two Places You Want to go on Vacation
1. Tahiti
2. New Zealand

Two Things You Want to Do Before You Die
1. Have a successful relationship
2. Find a fulfilling career

Two Ways that you are stereotypically a Chick
1. I love nail polish, glitter, makeup, clothes & shoes
2. I cry at really goofy sh*t, like Mastercard commercials

Two Things You Normally Wouldn't Admit
1. I am very fragile and not nearly as "together" as people seem to think.
2. I want to be taken care of but I am uncomfortable receiving.

Two Things You Are Thinking About Now
1. I am grateful for my cushy state job.
2. I am so excited to have a four day weekend.

Two Stores You Shop At
1. Target
2. Old Navy (bleh)

Two people I haven't talked to in a while
1. Patricia P.
2. Jules M.

Two bloggers who may now dislike you for passing this on to them
Ruthie

my future husband

YUMyumYUMyumYUM

where have you been?

This is kinda fun: create your own visited states map

Here's where I've been!

what's up with that?

Obviously I was a bit on the bizzz-izzzidy side this past week but here are some random thoughts that have been plaguing me; a.k.a. what's up with that?
1) Cheezy men wearing big gold wedding bands with channel set diamonds. I'm telling you, I see one almost every day in my building! People, this is not Long Island.
2) Ugg boots. I hate them, and they're MF expensive!
3) Enormous aviator glasses, do you really want to channel Tom Cruise circa Top Gun?
4) The return of the mullet and rattail? I kid you not, this past Sunday night I saw a "cool" guy sporting an honest-to-gosh-golly rattail, replete with bleached blond tip. If you are not familiar with the rattail, then clicky: dear god, are you for real?
5) worse still, the return of fur
6) the reappearance of bad 80s fashion; granted I love-love-love the 80s but the crap that is showing up on teenagers is scary. C'mon kids, legwarmers? Well I did hear that J-Lo was recreating scenes from Flashdance for one of her videos...
More later...
7) Short pants with ankle boots, BOO! Think Ashlee Simpson, yuck...

more about boys

Some of you may remember back in August I had a post about some of my dating foibles. Well here is the latest installment in the exciting drama that is my life. On Saturday my ex-boyfriend (a.k.a. Great Disappointment; Winter '04) called to wish me a happy birthday. Ok people, I have not spoken to this man since the day I dumped his ass in early April. Please note: this is a man who relies on his dad to remind him when it is time to change his oil yet he can somehow remember my birthday eight months after we broke up? Now that is just weird. Even weirder is the fact that one of my best friends ran into him at a crafts show that afternoon and yet another one of my best friends ran into him at a restaurant two nights later. What is with the sudden resurfacing of the GDW'04???
And the plot thickens. I found out that one of the guys I was dating in the early part of summer is going to be moving in with a friend of mine who LIVES ON MY STREET. *sigh* That guy was nice but he was confoundingly flaky. I actually liked that guy and I really wish he wasn't going to be living a block away.
And the the coup de grace: the guy who said "We will make a great boyfriend-girlfriend couple one day" traded his 2005 Nissan Titan for some crack. His number was on my caller id three times yesterday; apparently he does not understand that Do Not Contact Me Ever means Even If You Lose Your Truck To A Crack Rock.

I am truly surrounded by winners. Or is that wieners?

Way Back Wednesday

Do I really need words? I think this one speaks for itself...

meme - five things...

(some I stole from my sister)

5 Things
15 years ago - I moved out on my own
11 years ago - I got my first dog
9 years ago - I bought a house
4 years ago - I made a major career change
Now - I'm learning to be happy as a worker among workers

Five yummy things:
1) triple cream cheeses
2) really strong coffee
3) coconut cream _____
4) boy smell
5) chocolate _____ (so cliche)

Five songs I know by heart:
1) Little Red Corvette
2) Damn, I Wish I Was Your Lover
3) Private Dancer
4) ?
5) ? (I guess my memory for lyrics sucks?)

Five things I would do with a lot of money:
1) Buy a house with a master bathroom
2) Give to several charities
3) Get laser stuff done
4) Take a long trip somewhere
5) Pay off all my family members' debt

Five places I would to escape to:
1) Tahiti
2) New Zealand
3) Iceland
4) Austrailia
5) Nepal

Five things I would never wear:
1) tapered pants
2) vests of any sort
3) white linen pants
4) culottes
5) a mullet

Five favorite TV shows:
1) CSI Miami
2) NCIS
3) Sex & the City
4) Hunter
5) Queer Eye

Five things I enjoy doing:
1) having doggie luvin' time in the morning
2) drinking coffee leisurely
3) board games/crosswords
4) eating
5) riding my bike

Five Favorite toys:
1) computer
2) bike
3) cell phone
4) dvd player
5) we'll just call him Mr. Purple

Five people who get this meme:
Ruthie

on the road again...

Crap.

According to my sister we are going to do the Hill Country Ride for AIDS again next year...if you're not familiar with the event then take a look: HCRA. Also, please check out my sister's explanation of what went down in 2004 (plus a great pic of Lou Diamond Phillips!): queen of napville's executive decision.
As much as I want to get off my lazy ass and do this thing; that lazy part of me is dreading all the hard work, flat tires, and sore buttcheeks that go into training for an event like this. The pay off is totally worth it though, I have never experienced anything quite so powerful.

Wish us luck, we will need it!

PoP Up art extravaganza Nov 16, 6pm - 9pm

Dearest Blogger Friends-

Please join about 30 artists for a group show of mixed media art work. I would love to see a bunch of friendly faces at this show! It is at the Dougherty Arts Center; 1100 Barton Springs Road; Austin, TX.

Hope to see you there!

color test...take your own!

roxie took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test! "Feels she has been unjustly and undeservedly treat..." Click here to read the rest of the results.

bah, pumpkin!

Tonight was a rather pathetic Halloween. One of my gal-pals came over to help me hand out candy to the cutie little kids in costumes because she doesn't get trick-or-treaters at her house (too many crack whores, for reals!) She was even sweet enough to bring a pumpkin because I didn't get one this year. The VERY FIRST group of kids was a pack of hoodlums that were way too old to be out begging for candy and besides, they didn't even have on costumes! Of course I felt it necessary to bring this to their attention by saying, "Aren't you a little old to be trick-or-treating? And besides, where are your costumes?" Probably not the smartest time to be sassy but I certainly wasn't expecting a 14-year-old boy to respond with, "We could party with you!" to which his friend added, "Yeah, let's get drunk!" Sheesh, what the fack? I stupidly put candy in each and every one of those punks' lame-ass plastic grocery bags before realizing they had smashed our pumpkin and broken one of my neighbor's skull decorations in my yard. My friend and I could hear them causing a ruckus all the way around the corner so we went outside to call the cops. We ran into three of my neighbors out in the street, all of whom had been accosted and even threatened by those idiots; the cops never showed up but I'm hoping they caught up with the future felons before they ruined some kid's fun. I spent the rest of the evening worrying about my cats because I had stupidly let them go outside; thankfully all five of my kiddos are now inside, safe and sound. This is my ninth Halloween in this house and the first time I have ever gotten any tricks and I even gave those little bastards awesome Willy Wonka candy treats! No more Ms Nice Halloween lady, they're getting crappy generic candy from the Dollar General from now on!

oh no, diggery don't...

...otherwise known as one of the many disasters I have encountered in my hunt for a tenant. Finding someone to pay me rent AND share my home space presents an interesting set of challenges. Most people seem to think that because they are paying rent they have 50% say in what goes on in the house. They are wrong.

Dear Tenant: this is my home, my mortage payment and my stuff. You are not sharing a place with me, you are renting a room in my house and the use of my belongings.

This week I had a most surreal experience with a potential tenant. Let's just say that it's highly likely he practices body choir. What? You're not familiar with body choir you say? Well let me be the first to introduce you: http://www.bodychoir.org/austin_home.asp
Also, it turns out the name he gave me is not his birth name...it was bestowed upon him in a vision quest. This man does not have a job and is expecting to make a living off his first album; an album filled with music intended to inspire people to dance and connect them with their soul. Last but not least, he is on a "magickal journey" to find his life partner. Yes my friends, he used the words "magickal journey." As my best friend said so eloquently, I don't want him in my house when he finds her.
It's a good thing there are plenty of other homeless people in this town looking for a crash pad.

scary feet

One of my best friends got married recently and as part of the preparation she decided to take me and two other gals to the local Wal-Mart nail salon to get manicures and pedicures. I had no idea a gal could get her nails done at Wal-Mart and something about the idea really frightened me! But being the good sport that I am I arrived up at the "Regal Nails" ready to pick out my perfect shade of OPI lacquer. The first red flag for me occurred while I was sitting in the Throne, I noticed that my nail tech did not clean her implements between my friend's pedicure and mine. My crazy mind started to run rampant and I began imagining how many cuticles she may have clipped with the very same dirty clippers she was currently using ON MY TOES!!! *sigh*
Things really went south while the four of us were drying our nails. A gentleman came in who was using a walker and his feet were so swollen he was wearing socks and expandable sandals. I immediately shuddered to think about what his feet must look like under those socks. I didn't have to wonder for long because he hopped up on his own throne and the tech started working away on the scariest pair of feet I have seen in my life. I began to wonder if those dirty tools that the tech had used on my feet could have come near a set of feet like the ones I was watching with horror.
The four of became so rowdy at the idea that we ended up getting kicked out of the salon...or maybe it's because we were taking pictures to be sure we preserved the horror for all eternity.

You know you have arrived in life when you get bounced from a Wal-Mart nail salon.

my creations

Here are some photos of the jewelry that my sister and I make for our business Les Femme Fatales...if you like what you see you can find it at the downtown location of Whole Foods Market in Austin, TX

stop the crazy train, I'm ready to get off!

Wow, I can't believe I haven't posted since August 31, I guess I've been a little scared to blog about what's been going on with me. I walked out of my job September 6th and have been through quite a personal odyssey over the past month and a half. Let's just say that a "medication holiday" is not the answer for me and lesson learned. Let's also just say that I now know that while I am not willing to choose money over happiness, I am willing to factor in great benefits as an important element of my peace of mind and therefore my overall happiness. There is a lot to be said for fully paid insurance, sick and vacation time!!! I have a lot of blogging to do to make up for lost time, so keep checking back for updates...

more change

As I've mentioned before I don't do change well. Today I have to accept a big change in my life, one of my best friends is moving to NYC to be with her boyfriend. I am super sad about it and yesterday I cried my eyes out off and on all day long. I know I have some growing to do because in a weird way it feels like getting dumped. I am afraid of so many things; in this case I am afraid she and I won't stay in touch and I will lose a friend I dearly love. As usual, it's all about me.

lots more responses...

I cannot believe how many men have responded to my sugar daddy ad, it's mildly shocking!

sugar daddy

Y'all are going to love this. Just for fun I posted an ad for a sugar daddy to see what sort of responses I would get, I get a sick pleasure out of that kind of thing. I figured I would post the better responses here for your reading enjoyment. As you wait, undoubtedly heady with anticipation, check out this site to find your own sugar daddy (or baby, if that's more your style): Who knew?

To read the responses click on the Sugar Daddies link to your left.

my heroine

Although I am a little embarrassed to admit it, NCIS is one of my favorite shows. If I could be anyone when I grow up it would be Abby Sciuto. She is equal parts weird, smart and respected for being really good at what she does. Most of all she seems to LOVE what she does! Of course, it is just a sill tv show. My other favorite show is CSI: Miami. Not only is it hip, slick and cool but it has an awesome soundtrack.

how to get under my skin

In the tradition of Dooce, I thought I would start a "how to annoy me" list:
1) Ask me if "we" are having fun yet. I can't speak for you but if you have to ask me that question there's a 99.99% chance that the answer is a resounding NO!
2) Pass me in the hall and say, "SMILE, it can't be that bad!" How do you know motherf*cker? It may actually be worse.
3) Talk to me while we are in neighboring bathroom stalls. Hell, talk to me in the bathroom at all; it's NOT the employee lounge.
4) Ask me for a sip of my drink; unless you are a blood relative or we are otherwise swapping bodily fluids.
5) Tell me I look tired. Have you not noticed that those dark circles under my eyes are a permanent affliction? I ALWAYS LOOK TIRED!
6) Suggest you might know a better way for me to keep my house clean. Unless you too live with three long-haired dogs and two cats don't even THINK about going there.
7) Argue with me about the validity of vegetarianism. Do not try to convince me I'm murdering vegetables and they might have feelings too. Look dumbass: no nervous system = no feelings.
8) Talk to my rack. What, you think I don't notice? Besides, they're not going to talk back so give it up.
9) Forward me urban legends that have been circulating for years. It's called Snopes, look into it.
10) Speak of yourself in the third person. Just don't.

playing grown up

I have to do something that is very scary for me but must be done if I am going to be true to myself. It has the potential to have a negative effect on my finances but I am (almost) willing to take that risk if it means having more serenity. It also may mean letting some people down and causing others to raise their eyebrows. Logically I know that is ok because they don't live my life and at the end of the day I am the only person who has to fall asleep withmy brain. However, on an emotional level it makes me feel frightened and unsure of myself.
My mom has told me how, when I was a kid in public kindergarten, every day I would come home crying about how bored I was. Eventually I was moved into first grade but that's a story for another day. The bottom line is, I feel like that five year old again, crying nearly every day and on the verge of a meltdown. Now it's not just boredom but also loneliness, frustration and confusion topped off with a healthy serving of incompetence.

But the boredom gets me every time.

oh joy

I woke up this morning with a really stiff neck and my first thought was, "uh-oh, it must be spinal meningitis!" Then I got up to investigate why my cat was making such a ruckus in the hall, only to find him staring at a partially mutilated gecko. He looked disappointed that his toy had become unresponsive. Disgusting. A little later I went in the bathroom to get ready and the first thing my foot landed on was the gecko's lost tail. What a great way to start another week of mundanity.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

I didn't post over the weekend because I decided to spend more time with my friends and family than my computer. It was way more rewarding but damn I got behind on my emails. Over the course of the weekend my car died for the second time this month. I really wish the Breaking Things would limit themselves to one a month for my sanity's sake.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

I decided to get involved with my neighborhood association in an attempt to do something about the impending development behind my house. Several folks are meeting at my house this evening to walk back there and check it out. It feels good to be involved, I figure I can't complain about it if I'm not doing anything abou it. I hope we can make a difference!

lonely

I wish I could talk about work here but I can't. I just wanted to say that, thank you and good evening.

ambiguity, part deux; or the importance of feeling useful

I used to think I was a self-starter, I have recently discovered that maybe I was wrong. Not that I want to be micro-managed (does anyone actually like to be micro-managed?) because I definitely do not want someone up in my business all the time. I do however thrive when I have a clear cut set of goals, expectations and duties. Apparently I need a sort of measuring stick against which to judge the quality of my work. Otherwise I grow bored and begin to languish.
I used to have a month's worth of outfits that matched, I used to have cute shoes, once I had a nice car. I let all that go and now I just want to have purpose.

except I have fun on rollercoasters

"Mood swings can quickly go from low to high and back again, and occur over periods of a few days and sometimes even hours. The person feels like he or she is on a roller coaster, with mood and energy changes that are out-of control and disabling."

I think my hair may be falling out. It's a small price to pay for getting a med cocktail that works. Besides, in the past seven months I've gotten to enjoy (in no particular order): nausea, loss of appetite, trouble sleeping, severe night sweats, unusual drowsiness, swollen lymph nodes, blurred vision, loss of memory, decrease in sexual desire, painful urination, change in sense of taste, a [potentially fatal] rash, akathisia, dizziness, impulsivity, anxiety, constipation and my personal favorite: hallucination. I don't really have extra hair to spare but I think wigs look better on me than crazy does.

ambiguity

Here is a link to my official job description. Let me know if you figure out what I'm supposed to be doing.

Look it's a doggie oreo!

Also known as "yes, I do walk all three by myself."

the view

Here are some photos of the view I get to enjoy every day on my way home from work. The view that is being threatened by the construction of new condos for rich people. I was not aware of a housing shortage here in Austin.

The really green part on the left at the dead end is my back yard.

every day is a crap shoot

Despite my surrender to the siren song of coconut cream pie last night, I woke up in a fairly good mood this morning. I was having intense dreams about rearranging furniture, I wonder what that means? Perhaps it is because I am once again considering the idea of getting a roommate and I have been thinking a lot about how can I possibly make room for her. It's amazing how quickly one person can take over and fill up a three bedroom house. Granted, my house is smaller than some one bedroom apartments and apparently the walk-in closet had not yet been discovered in the 1960s. My four tiny closets are probably equal to the walk-in closet from my 1970s childhood bedroom. Nevertheless, over the past 9+ years there have been stretches of time that I managed to live with two other roommates fairly comfortably. How did I accumulate so much stuff? I am a tidy packrat.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

I recently learned that the city has approved a development of 60+ "luxury condominiums" to be built within 300 feet of my property line. I don't handle change well anyway but this news upsets me for two main reason: 1) access to the development will mean opening up the dead-end street that runs behind my house resulting in new traffic and 2) they will be clearing out a large area of trees that is currently untouched and beautiful, one of my favorite parts of my drive home. That makes me feel very, very sad. Helpless and sad.

passion

I recently read an article about Susan Sarandon's secrets to inner beauty, she said "Anything that makes you feel passionate and makes you laugh helps you to stay young." The article said her passions are world peace and other global issues. If I think too hard about world peace and other global issues I start to feel very sad; I certainly don't feel much like laughing. I do understand the importance of finding passion in my life, my dilemma is how does one go about finding that passion if it is not innate? I desire to be really good at something, even if it is just one thing. As it happens, my current occupation is not that one thing. I'm terrified of waking up one day to discover I've spent 25 years in a passionless occupation and in the process forgot to seek out my passion elsewhere.

weekend's end

It's Sunday evening, that means I have to go back to work in roughly twelve hours. I am especially unhappy about that fact today because my pager went off at exactly 5:13 a.m. Like every other weekend I've been on call something weird and stupid happened to prevent me from connecting to my job's network, resulting in my trying to trouble shoot before 6:00 on a Sunday morning. That is just not good for anyone involved. Because of said weird and stupid issue my pager continued to go off every thirty minutes until just before 8 a.m. when my boss responded to my S.O.S. page. I hate it when I have to do that; I hate feeling like I appear incompetent. By the time I connected to the network the original problem had been resolved, presumably by my boss.
Around 8:30 I decided to respond to a ridculous message left on my answering machine yesterday by one of the Dating Disasters; Spring '05. He is the one with poor impulse control and to whom I have not spoken in two weeks. The message said something about "blah, blah, blah...I hope you're doing well...blah, blah, blah...I'm doing great...blah, blah, blah." Awfully presumptuous of him to think I give a rat's arse how he is doing and then stunningly self-absorbed that he found it necessary to let me know. The gist of my text message to him was short & sweet, "don't contact me anymore". His response? "Don't worry, I won't." What a tool.
I made it to brunch with my family at 9:30 where I proceeded to weep at the mere idea of making a decision about what to eat, there were too many choices for my exhausted brain. I fear my family is growing tired of my emotional meltdowns, especially the public ones. Bonus: we had a Lance Armstrong sighting at the restaurant.
Thankfully there was one great success today: I somehow managed to get my yard mowed. My grass had gotten so tall that my dogs were getting lost. There were weeds in the middle of the lawn that looked like cornstalks. It was wholly out of control. Getting that kind of yard work done is a major endeavor for someone like me who is battling spontaneous weeping fits and a general lack of emotional stability. However, I was afraid if I didn't take care of it soon I would have to rent a piece of farm equipment to mow it down. Sweet baby jesus it is done, now I just have to figure out how to make my weedeater work.

dating

I recently decided to give dating a try again after an appropriate recuperation period from the Great Disappointment; Winter '04. I have to say, dating in the new millennium sucks. Or maybe it has always sucked, I just didn't do much dating before the new millennium. I would previously meet a guy and before I realized what had happened he was my boyfriend. Now I'm into the whole courtship thing but apparently part of my brain is still picking the instaboyfriend type of guys it has picked since I was fifteen. Damn. I didn't know it was considered appropriate to invite yourself to spend the night with a woman before taking her out to dinner. Or how about requesting oral sex before any heavy petting has occurred? Or my recent favorite, "We will make a great boyfriend-girlfriend couple one day" exactly four days before finding out he's been banging a woman I know the entire time he's been aggressively trying to get in my pants. *sigh* What happened to friendly dates? Getting to know each other? Being respectful? It seems the older I get the more I become a Prudence McPrudesville which is truly just fine with me.

no more late night pie

I woke up easier today, I've decided that eating sugar in the evening gives me a sort of emotional hangover the next morning. So I'm trying to avoid late night pie and it seems to be helping a little. However, as the day went on it turned into an emotional landslide and by the time I was in my car on the way to my Talking Lady the uncontrollable weeping began. She assured me that it's chemical and that my appointment with the Doctor tomorrow is just in time.
I am trying to mold myself into a knitter; the knitting helps me focus and calm down. I taught myself the knit & purl stitches from a book one of my fabulous and crafty girlfriends gave me. That in & of itself was quite satisfying, now if I can just figure out which row of stitches I was on when I set the knitting down maybe one day I will be able to make something wearable.

ten reasons

Ten Reasons that the past twelve months have been mind-bogglingly life-altering:
1) I celebrated two years of sobriety
2) I watched one of my cats get murdered in my yard by my neighbor's pit bull
3) I had my tonsils removed and had to allow my mom to take care of me afterwards
4) I decided to end twenty months of celibacy with an ultimately disappointing relationship that crashed and burned after only four months
5) I was offered and accepted two promotions
6) I finally accepted the diagnosis of my "major mental illness" and have gone through three psychiatrists and six medications trying to get my cocktail right
7) I started a craft business with my sister and we sold some of our jewelry to a local branch of a major national retailer
8) I met a man, in a most coincidental way, whom I feel is my mindmeldsoulbrother but for reasons completely beyond my control he is absolutely unavailable to me
9) I have to say goodbye to one of one of my best friends as her journey takes her to another state
10) I got to welcome another one of my best friends home after years of living in another state

photography

This weekend I had the opportunity to see Annie Leibovitz's exhibit called "American Music." I highly recommend it to anyone who loves photography and music. It made me want to put film in my Canon and carry it around everywhere with me.

anxiety

When I wake up drenched in sweat and on the verge of an anxiety attack I know I'm in trouble. Before I even open my eyes I'm worrying about how I'm going to pay my bills next month. What am I going to do about my career? Why didn't that guy call me back? What will I do when my dogs die? What if my house falls apart? When will I mow my yard? Will anything be fun for me again?
So I start making my bed up around me and the prayers begin. Please remove my fears. Please redirect my obsessive thoughts. Please help me trust that everything will turn out ok. Please help me stay in the present. I am allowing my life to slip through my fingers while I ardently nurse irrational fears about my future. I haven't even gotten out of my bed yet.
The dogs wake up and rally around me, my three spots of joy, my reason for getting out of bed. I thank the universe for my dogs.
My feet hit the floor and the masquerade begins, the one where I act as if I am a functioning member of society. Feed dogs, drink coffee, take shower, get dressed, drive to work, say hi to coworkers, smile and pretend that I understand what is going on around me.
Laugh or the weeping will never stop.

inspiration

I had a moment of clarity today whilst reading the blog of one heather.
I am not sure what makes some blogs international sensations (she made the bbc, y'all) but I'm hooked. I go from blog to blog to blog, "leapblogging" you might call it. I have learned all kinds of fascinating information in this week alone; thanks to heather I know not to talk about my job or my coworkers here. For now I will just introduce myself while I warm up to the idea of dumping my life on the internet for other voyeuristic junkies like me to (presumably) read. I have lived my entire life in Austin, Texas and I hate the heat. However, because I'm also "mentally interesting" and thrive on sunshine I welcome the Texas summers after the melodramatic darkness of the rainy winters. I am single, no spawn, but I live with two cats and three dogs that I love more than just about anything else. I'm currently gripped with an irrational fear of my oldest and most favorite dog's death. He is not sick. The only family I have is my sister, who is my best friend, and my parents; all of whom live in this town. We do dorky stuff like play trivial pursuit on father's day and scrabble until 2am on Christmas Day. I have a tiny old house that I've owned for over nine years and I'm gripped with another, perhaps more rational, fear that it is on the verge of crumbling around me. Houses will do that if you don't take care of them and I have not been a good house caretaker. I have the most fabulous girlfriends anyone could ask for. Each one of them is beautiful, talented, intelligent and hilarious in her own special way. For work I am called a unix systems administrator and I report to a State Government Agency. That's all I will say on that subject...for now anyway.